Old Cemeteries

Browsing old cemeteries, one can find some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Below are just a few...

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :

Born 1903--Died 1942. Looked up the elevator 

shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. 

In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery: 

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place 

to go.  

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico cemetery: 

Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon him for not 

rising.  

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery: 

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake, 

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. 

In a cemetery in England : 

Remember man, as you walk by, 

As you are now, 

So once was I. 

As I am now, so shall you be, 

Remember 

this and follow me. 

To which someone replied by writing 

on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent, Until 

I know which way you went

.

Oilers

It was a few years ago now.  The Oilers were in the playoffs.  And I was cutting hair in Edmonton.

It was a Friday evening about 5pm.  A gentleman popped in for a haircut before going to the game that night.  I was getting ready to leave for the day and Lou (the shop owner at the time) motioned him to have a seat in his chair.  As he was seated, he asked if he could have the word “Oilers” printed in the back of his head. 

“No problem,” said Lou.

With that, I thought I’d hang around for a few more minutes, to see how this thing turned out.

From a distance, and standing somewhat to Lou's right, I observed him doing an excellent job.  About twenty minutes later the word was completed and perfectly spaced between the man’s ears at the back of his head.

Pleased with the finished product, Lou removed the cape, checked him in at the cash register, thanked him and said goodbye.

As the man turned his back to us and proceeded to leave the shop, I saw it first.  I immediately said, “Lou, is that the new way to spell “Oilers?”  He had spelled it “Oiles.”  He had forgotten the ‘r.’  Except for that, it was a masterpiece.

Lou then ran out the door to catch him, before he drove away.  But it was to late. 

We’re still not sure if he went to the game that night or not.  If he had, I’m sure for the people setting behind him in the stands, he, would have definitely been the topic of conversation.

I’m not sure if he ever returned for another haircut after that.

It's Started!

Bob was telling me the other day that he got home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a drink before it starts."

His wife sighs and gets him a drink.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another drink before it starts."

Say she looks a bit cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another drink. It's going to start any minute!"

His wife is furious!  She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy fat slob, and furthermore..."

Bob sighs and says, "It's started."

Word Definitions

Isn't it interesting how the male and female see things from different perspectives.  Below are just a few examples...

VULNERABLE
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

FLATULENCE
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.