Lunch With The Girls

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids. 

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol. 

10 years later , the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discounts.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible. 

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.

Ticket Please

Ever have a situation like this happen?

As the railroad conductor entered our car, my friend discovered he had left his ticket at home.

Trying to joke his way out of the awkward situation, my friend told the conductor, “I’m not a dishonest guy. Look, my face is my ticket.”

The conductor didn’t miss a beat.

“And my duty, sir” he said, “is to punch every ticket.”

Newfie E.I.

Gotta love the Newfies!

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. 

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitchery. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs." The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter." Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty Stitcher's are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"

Deer Season

Check List Complete:

I scouted the area all summer... 

I searched out the best location for my tree-stand... 

I set it all up a month ahead of time... 

I trailed the herd... 

I picked out a trophy buck... 

Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt... 

Everything was in place... 

Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am... 

I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand... 

This was destined to be an epic hunt... 

As I approached my deer stand...

I changed my mind, decided to go to church instead.

Post Turtles

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old rancher said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

The Prospector

Although very few people know this about Brian,  he comes from a family of poets.  While cutting his hair today he informed me that his dad wrote a lot of poetry in his day.  Nothing ever got published,  he said.   As a matter of fact, very few family members have actually ever seen much of his writings.  

But I did manage to persuade Brian to dictate the following poem to me today,  that he wrote himself about his dad, when he was about ten years old.  

This could possibly be the first time this poem has ever been printed...

The Prospector

　

With practiced ease he lifted his pack

And settled it upon his pony's back

Lifting his hat and scratching his head

Checkin’ over his load he said,

Flour, salt, beans and a slab of bacon,

Grub and a bed

That’s all I’m a’ takin’

I’m goin’ way back to the valley below

Where the second blow

Will open her up and the vain will show

Now not much to show for his fifty odd years

With the ropes of his pony

Held in his hand

  The Prospector pulled for the promise land

Cooking With Wine

My wife works part time.  And me, will I work fulltime... for now.  About a week ago, she was at work all day, and it was my day off.  So I decided to cook dinner, which is not something I do will. 

I thought I'd do something a little different.  I decided to cook with wine.  After about three glasses, I couldn't remember what I was in the kitchen for.

We had take out... she picked it up!

It Only Went 'CLICK'

This was a story taken from the Houston Hearld...

Last Thursday Night Around midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas
Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A
Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse.

The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The
Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions.

The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About
15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work..
I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe.....

I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In
My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.

All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left.
As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse.

I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped
Tightly Around My Pistol.

The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk! You're
Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips."

I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away
From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!

When Asked By The Arraignment Judge, "Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?

The Woman Replied Under Oath,
"Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th Time, It Only Went Click."

The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges.
And She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe, The Next Day!

Now that's Gun Control...

Toilet Seat

Maryland police say a man became stuck to a Walmart store toilet seat after someone spread glue on it.

 

It happened Thursday evening at a store in Elkton. Officials refused to say how long the man was stuck before he was able to get help.

Police say emergency workers removed the seat from the toilet and took the man out with seat still attached to him. 

The seat was removed at the emergency room at Union Hospital.

Police say the incident is a second-degree assault case that may have been a random prank the night before April Fool's Day.  

Or if the culprit is caught, he will be charged with a 'Number Two Misdemeanor.'

The Raise

Here's one of my favourite Employee/Boss stories.  Enjoy...

Employee:
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss:
Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?

Employee:
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss:
Yes.

Employee:
I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss:
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee:
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade...

Boss:
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain,
I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?

Employee:
Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!

Boss:
Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

Employee:
Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!