A little Baptist Humor

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.  A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.' Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.' 

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

2x4

Andy is one of my regular clients, and a great person.  He's brought me a lot of business.  Today he had this joke for me.  I thought it was worth sharing...

Two Ukrainians are working on a house.  One friend sends the other to the local lumber yard for a 2x4.  The clerk asks if he can help him with something.  He says, “I need a 2x4.”  The clerk says, “How long do you  need it?”  The Ukrainian says, “Oh, quite a while, I guess... we’re building a house.”

Thanks Andy.

Saying Goodbye To Mother

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back  inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

'He's just going  upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried  to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.  Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car. 

Never Trust An Irishman!

Harry was born in Northern Belfast, Ireland.  At age fifteen he began his apprenticeship in Barbering, at a local Barber Shop.  Some of his first duties were running errands, sweeping the floors, mopping and dusting, etc.

After a few months he slowly broke into the actual haircutting business.  And eventually became very good at it.  The story you're about to read is just one of many, that he's been a participant in and told to me, over the few years I've known and worked with him here in Canada.

It was his first year as an apprentice.  And it was just another day at the shop.  The owner and his boss, Steve, was giving a client a haircut.  Just before he was finished, he had accidentally created an "oops" (something you never want to hear from the person cutting your hair) at the back of his head.  He immediately told the client that it appears that he has a mild case of alopecia here. He called Harry over to take a look.  "See this?" he says directing the conversation now to Harry,  "This is called alopecia areata, (male pattern-baldness and knowing, without a doubt that neither the client nor Harry would have any clue what that technical term meant at the time), but no big deal.  "We have a product here in the shop, that will take care of that" he continued. 

From a shelf he removed a small bottle of hair tonic.  Told the client, if he used this twice a week for the next month, the bald spot would disappear by the time he returned for his next haircut.

The client pays for his haircut, as well as the bottle of tonic, and leaves the shop, very pleased with the professional service he received.

Sure enough, about a month later, he's back.  Very excited to report to Steve, how well the product he sold him, had worked.  The bald spot was gone!

Moral of the story.  Never trust an Irishman!!

Fixing Canada’s Economy

During the recession we encountered a couple of years ago, someone suggested an excellent idea for fixing Canada's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks and car companies, that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan:

There are about 20 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1

million apiece severance, for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new Canadian CAR. Twenty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

4) They MUST send their kids to school / college /university - Crime rate fixed

5) Buy $50 of alcohol / tobacco / petrol a week... there's your money back in duty / tax etc.

It can't get any easier than that!

Note: If more money is needed, have all members of  parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

Florida court sets atheist Holy Day

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the coming Easter and Passover

holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against

Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate

presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case

dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor,

how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,

Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet

my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance  or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.  Psalm 14:1

states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of

this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore,

April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

You gotta love a Judge who knows his scripture!

Grizzly Bait!

While living in Northern BC a few years ago I met a retired school teacher Lorraine and her husband John. They both came to me for haircuts.  Lorraine told me the following story about a 'grizzly' camping trip they once had.

It was a July weekend, the weather was perfect.  The kids and dog were so excited to be going to their favorite camping spot, at One Island Lake, just outside of Dawson Creek. They packed up their truck and camper trailer, had enough supplies for the weekend, and off they went. About an hours drive from home, they arrived.  And at around 7 pm everything was set up.  They’d eaten supper and were now relaxing around the open fire as the three kids, Danny 3, the twins, Anna and Leah 5, and their little dog Tia, were playing in the sand and water, at the edge of the lake.

As bedtime arrived, everyone was so tired that, getting the kids settled in for the night was not a problem.  By 10 pm everybody was sound asleep.

At about 3 am Lorraine was awakened by what she thought was a scratching noise coming from the left side of the camper, where the girls were sleeping. She opened her eyes and to her absolute horror is looking at the silhouette of a massive, full grown Grizzly Bear, hovering over the two girls!  She jumped up, grabbed the two girls and literally threw them towards her husband John, who was also awake by now.  At this point the Grizzly had disappeared.

John waited a minute before reaching out and pulling the zipper down in the doorway to take a quick look outside.  As he did he was point blank, face to face, eyeball to eyeball with the bear.  Unsure about what his next move would be, he quickly reached behind him, without moving away from the door, grabbed Tia, and threw the dog in the face of the bear!  Seconds went by and all was heard from the outside was screeching, growling and howling.  And then complete silence.

John eventually went outside to take a look around.  Both the Grizzly and dog had disappeared and were nowhere to be seen.  Quickly scouring the area, and taking a peek underneath the trailer, he found Tia setting there, bug eyed and shaking terribly, but apparently Okay.  She had survived the whole ordeal, unscathed.  

At this point, camping didn’t seem to be much fun anymore.  So everything was packed up, loaded aboard the truck and camper and they headed for home.  Danny had slept through the whole thing.  He only remembers what he was told, about that night.

Lorraine said they never actually gave up on camping after that.  But each time she started packing things together for a camping trip, the dog would run and hide.  Could you blame her?  I'm sure she would be thinking... "you ain't takin' me, you just wanna use me for Grizzly bait!"

The Shower Towel

Tom is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. She quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, she drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

Wrapping herself again in the towel she goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Parable Of Two Wolves

Jim and I became very good friends over the past couple of years.  As a regular client, we covered a lot of topics.

Here's a very timely story he shared on one of his recent visits...

An old Cherokee was teaching his young grandson one of life’s most important lessons.  He told the young boy the following parable:

“There is a fight going on inside each of us.  It is a terrible fight between two wolves,” he said.

“One wolf is evil.  He is anger, rage, envy, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, resentment, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

“The second wolf is good.  He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, truth, compassion, and faith.”

The grandson thought about this for a moment.  Then he asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win this fight?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Getting Towed

Gas prices are through the roof!  Never before, have we paid this much to run our vehicles.  For a long time, it seems the number one topic of conversation, outside the weather, is the never ending cost of what we all have to pay for gas.

Mary sat waiting, as I cut her husbands hair, Ted.  Just as I was finishing up, she says, “Hey fellows, did you hear about the guy who got his car towed?  He said, it was cheaper than a tank of gas!”