Post Turtles

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old rancher said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

The Prospector

Although very few people know this about Brian,  he comes from a family of poets.  While cutting his hair today he informed me that his dad wrote a lot of poetry in his day.  Nothing ever got published,  he said.   As a matter of fact, very few family members have actually ever seen much of his writings.  

But I did manage to persuade Brian to dictate the following poem to me today,  that he wrote himself about his dad, when he was about ten years old.  

This could possibly be the first time this poem has ever been printed...

The Prospector

　

With practiced ease he lifted his pack

And settled it upon his pony's back

Lifting his hat and scratching his head

Checkin’ over his load he said,

Flour, salt, beans and a slab of bacon,

Grub and a bed

That’s all I’m a’ takin’

I’m goin’ way back to the valley below

Where the second blow

Will open her up and the vain will show

Now not much to show for his fifty odd years

With the ropes of his pony

Held in his hand

  The Prospector pulled for the promise land

Cooking With Wine

My wife works part time.  And me, will I work fulltime... for now.  About a week ago, she was at work all day, and it was my day off.  So I decided to cook dinner, which is not something I do will. 

I thought I'd do something a little different.  I decided to cook with wine.  After about three glasses, I couldn't remember what I was in the kitchen for.

We had take out... she picked it up!

It Only Went 'CLICK'

This was a story taken from the Houston Hearld...

Last Thursday Night Around midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas
Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A
Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse.

The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The
Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions.

The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About
15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work..
I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe.....

I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In
My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.

All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left.
As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse.

I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped
Tightly Around My Pistol.

The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk! You're
Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips."

I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away
From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!

When Asked By The Arraignment Judge, "Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?

The Woman Replied Under Oath,
"Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th Time, It Only Went Click."

The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges.
And She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe, The Next Day!

Now that's Gun Control...

Toilet Seat

Maryland police say a man became stuck to a Walmart store toilet seat after someone spread glue on it.

 

It happened Thursday evening at a store in Elkton. Officials refused to say how long the man was stuck before he was able to get help.

Police say emergency workers removed the seat from the toilet and took the man out with seat still attached to him. 

The seat was removed at the emergency room at Union Hospital.

Police say the incident is a second-degree assault case that may have been a random prank the night before April Fool's Day.  

Or if the culprit is caught, he will be charged with a 'Number Two Misdemeanor.'

The Raise

Here's one of my favourite Employee/Boss stories.  Enjoy...

Employee:
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss:
Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?

Employee:
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss:
Yes.

Employee:
I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss:
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee:
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade...

Boss:
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain,
I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?

Employee:
Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!

Boss:
Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

Employee:
Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

To Pee Or Not To Pee

I have a job. I work, they pay me. 

I pay my taxes & the government  distributes my taxes as it sees fit. 

In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test
(with which I have no problem). 

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.    

  

So, here is my question:  Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check
because I have to pass one to earn it for them? 

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.

I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT doing drugs ...while I work.

Can you imagine how much money each province or state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could call the program... "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"! 

She's My Wife

A few months ago my wife (Brenda) and I went to Mexico for the first time.  She wasn't overly excited about going, especially with all the stories we'd heard.

We flew out of Calgary.  Got through security without incident, except, I got beeped going through the security scanner.  Had to remove my belt… my pants fell down over my knees, but other than that, everything was good… just kidding!

Brenda got a little emotional as we boarded the plane.  She said to me, “Don’t you dare leave my side… if I had handcuffs I’d handcuff you to me.”  

Upon entering the Plane the flight attendant said to me, “You’re in the next seat to the lady.  And I said, “Yeah, and she said only seconds ago, that if we had handcuffs, she’d handcuff me to her!” 

One of the the flight attendants said, somewhat surprised, “Really?” 

While the other said, somewhat concerned, “Is that a good thing?”  

“Oh yeah, it’s all good!” I said. “She’s my wife.”

Click  Here  to see a few pics of our trip.

Watch It

I try to read something everyday.  While browsing through some material recently, I came across the following, and thought it was worth posting here.  Think about this...

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

I Hate Cards

I had a Father's Day Card from my son today who lives out of province.  He knows the kind of cards I like and dislike. So he sent me one that he knew would make me laugh, and it did.

Here's what it said...

Dad, growing up, 

we were sometimes a little difficult, 

a little stubborn

and acted like we knew it all... 

but there was a good reason for that. 

"HEREDITY." 

 Happy Father's Day!

That's my son.