Could ANYONE Be This Uninformed?

An 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

 

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..."

  

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, "CapeCod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa ..."  His response --- click.

 

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

  

He replied, "Don't lie to me!  I looked it up on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!"  (OMG!)

 

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada ?"

  

I said, "No."

  

She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)

 

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  I pulled up the reservation and noticed he only had a 1-hour layover in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he replied, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh!)

 

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

  

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that. (Must be blonde!)

 

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"  I said, "No . . . why do you ask?"

  

He replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.  I think that's very rude!"

  

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it, (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

 

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

 

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"

  

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

 

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.  Do I      have to get on one of those little computer planes?"

  

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.  She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

 

11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.  "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

  

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.  When I told her this she said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

 

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."

  

I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

  

"Yes, what flights do you have?", replied the man.

  

After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."

  

The man retorted, "Oh, don't be silly!  Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!"

  

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

  

The reply?  "Whatever!  I knew it was a big animal."

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE Be This Uninformed?
 

 

A Little IRISH Humour

One morning, three Irishmen and three Englishmen were in a ticket

counter queue at a train station. The three Englishmen each bought a
ticket and watched as the three Irishmen bought just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked
one of the Englishmen.

'Be watchin and a learnin,' answered one of the Irishmen.

All six boarded the train where the three Englishmen sat down, but the
three Irishmen crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
tickets.
He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please.'

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in
hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Englishmen saw this
happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they
decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single
ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment,
the three Irishmen didn't buy even one ticket !

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked a perplexed
Englishman. 'Be watchin and a learnin,' answered the three Irish boys in
unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Englishmen crammed themselves
into a toilet and the three Irishmen crammed into another toilet just
down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the
Irishmen left the toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the
Englishmen were hiding.

The Irishman knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'


Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the
ark, and professionals built the Titanic.

Power Outage

We had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, Pad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

 I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I  sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

Catching Pigs

There was a chemistry professor in a large college that had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab, the professor noticed one young man, an exchange student, who kept rubbing his back and stretching as if his back hurt. The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist regime.

In the midst of his story, he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked: "Do you know how to catch wild pigs?"

The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line.

The young man said that it was no joke. "You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come every day to eat the free corn.

"When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side. "The pigs, which are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat that free corn again. You then slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd. Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity."

The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening in America. The government keeps pushing us toward Communism/Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tax exemptions, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc., while we continually lose our freedoms, just a little at a time.
 
But, God help us all when the gate slams shut!

Giving When It Counts

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.  

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient..

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.  The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. 

The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

Gender Roles

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.  She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.  Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN.

Liberal Paradise

"A liberal paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns. 

Believe it or not, such a place does, indeed, exist:   It's called . . .  prison."

Sheriff Joe Arpaio
Maricopa County Sheriff's Office

Murphy's Other 15 Laws

Ready?  Here we go...


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Twelve Items

I was in the 'maximum twelve item' express lane at the grocery store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which twelve items would you like to buy?"

(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)

To Pay or Not to Pay?

Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees.

The student struck a deal saying, “I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court.”

Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days.

Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.

The teacher put forward his argument saying, “If I win this case,as per the court of law, the student has to pay me as the case is about his non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money.”

Equally brilliant student argued back saying, “If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don’t have to pay anything to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, I don’t have to pay him because I haven’t won my first case yet, So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything.”

This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history.

My Dog

This one is especially for all you Canadian readers out there.

I Just Realized Something:

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing ~ and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me …

MY dog is a SENATOR!

The Atheist Teacher

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I’m not an atheist.”

Then, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a Christian.”

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

“Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian.”

The teacher is now angry, “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

She paused, and smiled. “Then,” says Lucy, “I’d be an atheist.”

Hold My Hand

“A little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter: "Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river."

The little girl said: "No, Dad. You hold my hand."

"What's the difference?" Asked the puzzled father.

"There's a big difference," replied the little girl.

"If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go."

In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. So hold the hand of the person whom you love rather than expecting them to hold yours...”

-- Unknown

Religious Squirrel

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied. 

The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Clever Kiwi

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter..

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

 "Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

Widdle Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a Petsmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”

Free Ride

A mother asked her young son, as they waited for the bus, to tell the driver he was 5 years old, because then he would ride for free.

As they got into the bus the driver asked him how old he was.

“I am 5 years old,” said the little boy proudly.

The driver had a son of his own that age, and smiled, “And when will you be 6 years old?` he asked.

“When I get off the bus,” answered the boy.

The Stop Sign

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. 

He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. 

The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, “What for?” 

The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” 

The lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.” 

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the sheriff impatiently. 

The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.” 

The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.” 

The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

 The sheriff says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

Local Brothel Sues Church Over Lighting Strike

MT. VERNON, TEXAS …

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church across the street started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground.

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
 

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

 

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
 

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented:

 

"I don't know how the heck I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all BS."

Zapped

For part of his earlier years,  Phil was a veterinarian.  While cutting his hair a couple of weeks ago he was telling me about an incident that happened to him during that time.

It was during calving season and he had a call from a farmer who was having a problem with one of his cows giving birth. 

After he arrived and had assessed the situation, he knew what he had to do.  He pulled out a pair of clippers from his case and trimmed around the back end of the cow.  But before he had finished prepping, the clipper had quit working.  He shook them a little, wiggled the cord, but still nothing.  He discarded them on the ground and noticed that there was bare wire exposed half way down the cord.  It must have shorted out, he thought.  

Giving his full attention now to the poor mother trying to give birth, he shoved his right arm up inside the cow, and pulled the calf out.  It wasn't breathing.  He cleared the throat and mouth as best he could.  He tried helping it stand.  But it appeared the little guy wasn't going to make it.  It fell over and hit the ground.  But as it did, it landed on the exposed wire of Phil's clipper, which was still plugged into the power outlet.  Instantly the calf was shocked back to life.  It was exactly what it needed and in exactly the right time.  It was running around within seconds.

A little unconventional maybe... but accidents do and can sometimes happen, for good reason.