Receding Hair Line

What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?

... A receding hair line.

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Way To Heaven

The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”

“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

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Got Any Grapes?

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, “no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes and if you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your little duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says “No”!

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?”

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Blind Man's Dog

A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."

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Mom's On The Roof!

Norman left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

Norman was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked Norman.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

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Coming Out Of Church

Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, ''Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?" 

''I didn't even see her,'' admitted Mr. Smith.

''And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing,'' continued Mrs. Smith,  ''Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two.''

''I'm afraid I didn't notice that either,'' said Mr. Smith.

''Oh, for heaven's sake,'' snapped Mrs. Smith.  ''A lot of good it does you to go to church.''

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Locked In The Cellar

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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Homework

"Jimmy! I thought I told you to do the dishes after you do your homework! Why are you watching television?"

"It's okay, Mom! I haven't done my homework yet."

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You're a kid?

Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk.

Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool: a five-year-old boy.

After awhile, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave."

Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave, because his father was calling.

 Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?"

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Express Lane

Has this ever happened to you?

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

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