Next Time Take Me To A Vet!

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
 
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
 
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
 
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. 
 
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
 
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
 The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
 
“Next time take me to a vet!”

Here's Today's Promo

God Will Provide!

A  young woman brought her fiancee home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancee to his  study for a talk.

"So what do you do for a living?" the father asked the young  man.
 

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A Biblical scholar. Hmm........" , the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
 

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
 

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
 

"I will  concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."
 

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
 

"Don't worry Sir, God will provide," replied the fiancee.
 

The conversation proceeded like this and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
 

Later, the mother asked, "How did it go Honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job, no plans and he thinks I'm God!"

 

Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I ain't never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost... it's a man thing.

Here's  Today's Promo

The Engineer's Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Here's  Today's Promo

Lawyer Story Of The Year!

THIS COULD BE THE BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY...

We are told it actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ...

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS!

Here's Today's Promo

Our Seniors

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several noddedweakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive."

Here's Today's Promo

The Farmer's Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a  well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive..

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW .............
Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Here's Today's Promo

Don't Pass Up Dessert!

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.  

I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.  From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.  

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed?  Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?  
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched ' Jeopardy ' on television?  

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said , 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't.  I have clothes on the line.  My hair is dirty.  I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain'  And my personal favorite:  'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.  

Because   People   cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches..  We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!  

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained.  We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.  We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older.  The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer.  One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'  

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips.  She keeps an open mind on new ideas.  Her enthusiasm for life is contagious.  You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.  

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years.  I love ice cream.  It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process.  The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker.  If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.  

Now...go on and have a nice day.  Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?   And why are you waiting?  
 
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?  Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night?  Do you run through each day on the fly?  When you ask 'How are you?'  Do you hear the reply?  

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head?  Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see her sorrow?  Ever lost touch?  Let a good friendship die?  Just call to say 'Hi'?  

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower.  Hear the music before the song is over.

Here's Today's Promo 

Women Think of Everything

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they
hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will  dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked,  'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'

And you know men won't ask for directions...

Here's  Today's Promo

Do Not Underestimate Teachers!

Teaching is ... the profession that makes all other professions possible!

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.

One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.  He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

To stress his point, he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Bonnie.  Be honest.  What do you make?"

Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want to know what I make?
(She paused for a  second, then began...)

"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 minutes without an iPod, Game Cube or movie rental.

You want to know what I make?
(She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table).

I make kids wonder.

I make them question.

I make them apologize and mean it.

I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.

I teach them to write and then I make them write something worthwhile. Keyboarding isn't everything.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math.  They use their brain, not the man-made calculator.

I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know about English while preserving their unique cultural identity.

I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were born with, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life. 
(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)

Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, not knowing that money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention to them because they are ignorant.

You want to  know what I make?  I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. 

What do you make, Mr. CEO?

The CEO's jaw dropped, and he went silent.

Here's Today's Promo