"KISS" Fan Is My Nephew!

This was the headline of the YouTube video... Kiss Fan Get's Thumped Dawson Creek BC.

Matthew is a welder by trade.  And one of the best in the industry, I might add.  The most kind- hearted person, you'll ever meet.  A very hard worker,  but he also likes to play hard, during downtime.  Maybe a little to hard.   Matt is also my nephew.  (His mom is my wife's sister.)

Summer of 2011.  For Matt it'll be a summer that won't soon be forgotten... at least not by him.

He was working in the Dawson Creek, BC area at the time.  And had purchased tickets to the upcoming "KISS" concert for June 30.

As the evening of the greatly anticipated show finally begins and "KISS" is introduced, a good majority of the crowd are already, no doubt, somewhat intoxicated, and are more than ready for the 'night' of their lives.

About twenty minutes into the concert, with everyone in the building going wild, Matt has to take a quick washroom break.  Not!

As he headed in the direction of the washroom, he actually had to walk along the left side of the stage area, and toward the back.

Upon returning... he had a great idea.  With no security in site, he thought it would be a chance of a lifetime, to quickly run up on the stage, get a closer look at the 'boys' and exit, stage left, and maybe nobody would even notice.  Well, as it turned out, it was not a good idea.  (really Matt, what were you thinking?)

He had about twelve feet of black curtains that he had to peel his way through, before reaching the edge of the stage itself.  When finally there, he saw one security guy with headphones on and he appeared to be preoccupied with writing something in a notepad.  So he had no problem making his entrance from the back side of the stage.

Still unnoticed by any security people at this point, he edged his way closer to the singers. Than sprinted across the stage between the drummer and the group.   He remembers being wowed by the size of the boots they wear during the show.  And shocked at the massive crowd that are now all focusing in on him.  But it all ended there...

Out of, what appeared to be nowhere, he was pounced on by three security guys.  And literally dragged of the stage.   But not without some resistance.  With his two hands firmly gripping the edge of the stage, and the three of them trying desperately to get him out of there, he finally gave in, when one of his fingers were broken, in the shuffle. 

This all happened within seconds, but not without getting the attention of the group as they continued to play, and looking to their right, to see what the commotion was all about.  One of the guitar players waved a "bye bye" to Matt, as he disappeared out of site of the stage area, but no one missed a beat.

The police were called immediately.  And Matt was soon escorted to the cruiser, by three uniformed officers.

While inside the car, and before they drive away, one of the officers looks at Matt and says, "So, hey man, lucky you... so what does Gene Simmons really look like up close, did you get a good look at him?"

They appeared to be a lot more interested in learning more about 'KISS' than they were in Matt.  

After a few more questions, another officer finally asks, "Now, what are we gonna do with this guy?"  

"I say we let him go" says another.

"Nope, we can't do that, we're gonna have to take him in... just won't look right if we let him go here."

Finally at the police station, Matt was stripped of his personal belongings and handed over to the prison guard on duty that night. 

Being the social person, that Matt is, they both had a very long talk that night... him and the prison guard.  They covered just about everything, before it was time to lock him up... but only for one night. 

Because Matt was found to be such a nice, decent, sensible person, the guard gave him an extra pillow, blanket, and some reading material for the night.  Something that was unheard off, by prison guards in that area.

The next morning Matt was released and free to go.  No charges were ever laid against him. 

We all love you Matt!  But next time, plan your strategies a little more in advance...

Good Old Harry Truman

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions regarding the nation's history as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri. His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale."

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise."

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale (cf. Illinois).

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!

I say dig him up and clone him!

Enjoy life now -- it has an expiration date!

Something Personal For Your Wife

Gord, if you're reading this... just wanted to say... I'm still laughing.

"Have you ever had to pick up something personal for your wife, while shopping?" he asked me this morning while I cut his hair.

"What exactly do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, a couple of weeks ago, my wife wasn't feeling so good, and she asked me if I could pick her up a package of Tampax while I was at the store.  She said,  'it's the one in the blue package.'

"Walking down one of the aisles, I'm shocked to see what looked to me to be thousands of blue Tampax packages.  Totally dazed, I'm thinking ... 'which one do I pick?'

Grabbing one that had a sale price of $7.95 on it, I headed to the checkout, before someone actually saw me.

As the cashier scanned the three items I had, the Tampax rang up at $15.95.  I quickly said, no, no, no, those are on sale for $7.95.  And before I took my next breath, she was on the intercom receiver, making a store wide announcement... 'Price check please, aisle 13, Tampax, blue package.'  By now I had turned every shade of red possible, while seven other customers standing behind me, patiently waited.

What felt to be about ten minutes later, another voice comes back on the intercom, 'Was that the kind that you push in with your thumb or pound in with a hammer?'  

He thought she had said, ThumTacks."

How Old Is Grandma?

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.

The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools,
the computer age, and just things in general..

The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: 

* Television
* Penicillin  
* Polio shots
* Frozen foods
* Xerox
* Contact lenses
* Frisbees and
* The pill.

 There were no:

* Credit cards
* Laser beams or
* Ball-point pens.

Man had not invented: 

* Pantyhose
* Air conditioners
* Dishwashers
* Clothes dryers
* And the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
* Man hadn't yet walked on the moon


Your Grandfather and I got married first, ......... and then lived together.. 

Every family had a father and a mother. 

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir.."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. 

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. 

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege... 

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. 

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. 

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started. 

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums. 

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. 

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. 

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. 

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.... 

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. 

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. 

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. 

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. 

You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, .... But who could afford one? 
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day: 

"Grass" was mowed.
"Coke" was a cold drink.
"Pot" was something your mother cooked in.
"Rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. 
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office.
"Chip" meant a piece of wood.
"Hardware" was found in a hardware store and
"Software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. 

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. 

How old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old lady in mind....you are in for a shock! 

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?

This woman would be only 59 years old.

Pub Next Door

An older married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. 

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
 

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband:  "Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money at that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next door to that shop."

The 'Y' Generation!

People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.
 

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group, Generation Y?
 
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

 

The Government At Work!

The iron fence around the Prime Minister's residence at 24 Sussex Drive was in need of repair and contractors from Alberta, Quebec and Newfoundland were bidding for the job so the three of them went to look at the job to be done along with a government official.

The Alberta contractor took out a measuring tape, did some calculations and announced. "I
figure the job will run about $900. of which $400. is for materials, $400. for my crew and $100. of profit for me"

The Newfie contractor then measured the area, did some figuring and announced, "I can do the job for $700. being $300. for materials, $300. for my crew and $100. profit for me.

The Quebec contractor didn't measure anything and didn't do any calculations, simply leaning over
to the government official and whispering "$2,700."

The government official turned back to him saying, "You didn't even measure or calculate like the other guys, so how do you come up with such a big amount?"

The Quebec contractor whispers back to him, " $1,000. for me. $1,000. for you and we hire the Newfie to do the job"

"Done" replies the government official.

Looking For My Wife

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy,  "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

Still Have My Driver's License

Today Ralph said, "I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind.

I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, 

winded, and subject to blackouts. 

Have bouts with dementia. 

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and 

feet anymore

                    
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. 

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license."

Don't Mess With the Elderly

Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

''Good morning, Ma'am,'' said the young man. ''If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.''

''Go away!'' said Myra brusquely. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money,'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty,'' he commanded. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

Myra stepped back and said with a smile, ''Well let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.''