Snow Job

Here's one from the warped mind of one of my clients today...

He said he just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Alberta.  And winters in Canada, as most of us know can get very nasty.  He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping past -30 c and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Five Dollar Bill

When I was just a kid, about ten years old, I found a five dollar bill on the side of the road, near our home.  I came running in the house, very excited about my find.

"Are you sure it was lost?” asked my mother.

“Yes, I’m sure,” I quickly said.  “I saw a man looking for it.”

We've Arrived

Whether we're in a mall, in a restaurant, in a waiting room, driving down the highway, or out for a walk, it doesn't matter... in today's society, what is the most common site observed?  People Texting.  It appears that one on one conversation is a thing of the past. 

 Albert Einstein once said, "I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction.  The world will have a generation of idiots."

I think we've arrived.

Christmas Shopping

Well, it is 'that' time of the year again...

A mother and a daughter are Christmas shopping in the mall, when
the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.

"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present
instead of making you and dad shop for me."

The daughter nods in agreement before the mother continues.

"And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

"But mom," the daughter protests, "Some helpless, poor creature
has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," replies the mother, "Your father won't get
the bill for a couple of weeks."

Lunch With The Girls

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids. 

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol. 

10 years later , the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discounts.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible. 

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.

Ticket Please

Ever have a situation like this happen?

As the railroad conductor entered our car, my friend discovered he had left his ticket at home.

Trying to joke his way out of the awkward situation, my friend told the conductor, “I’m not a dishonest guy. Look, my face is my ticket.”

The conductor didn’t miss a beat.

“And my duty, sir” he said, “is to punch every ticket.”

Newfie E.I.

Gotta love the Newfies!

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. 

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitchery. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs." The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter." Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty Stitcher's are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"

Deer Season

Check List Complete:

I scouted the area all summer... 

I searched out the best location for my tree-stand... 

I set it all up a month ahead of time... 

I trailed the herd... 

I picked out a trophy buck... 

Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt... 

Everything was in place... 

Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am... 

I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand... 

This was destined to be an epic hunt... 

As I approached my deer stand...

I changed my mind, decided to go to church instead.

Post Turtles

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old rancher said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

The Prospector

Although very few people know this about Brian,  he comes from a family of poets.  While cutting his hair today he informed me that his dad wrote a lot of poetry in his day.  Nothing ever got published,  he said.   As a matter of fact, very few family members have actually ever seen much of his writings.  

But I did manage to persuade Brian to dictate the following poem to me today,  that he wrote himself about his dad, when he was about ten years old.  

This could possibly be the first time this poem has ever been printed...

The Prospector

　

With practiced ease he lifted his pack

And settled it upon his pony's back

Lifting his hat and scratching his head

Checkin’ over his load he said,

Flour, salt, beans and a slab of bacon,

Grub and a bed

That’s all I’m a’ takin’

I’m goin’ way back to the valley below

Where the second blow

Will open her up and the vain will show

Now not much to show for his fifty odd years

With the ropes of his pony

Held in his hand

  The Prospector pulled for the promise land