UP!

Thanks Keith.  I just couldn't resist posting this one. Hope you don't mind.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is...  'UP.'  It is listed in the  dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v]. It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky  or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we  wake UP?  At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do  we speak UP, and why are the  officers UP for  election and why is it UP to the secretary to  write UP a report? We call UP our friends,  brighten UP a room, polish UP the  silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.We  lock UP the house and  fix UP the old car.  At other times this little word has real special  meaning. People stir UP trouble,  line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.  To be dressed is one  thing but to be dressed UP is  special. And this UP is confusing:  A  drain must be opened UP because it is stopped  UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at  night. We seem to be pretty mixed  UP about UP !  To be  knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized  dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about  thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't giveUP, you may  wind UP with a hundred or  more.  When it threatens to rain, we say it is  clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it  soaks UP the  earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap  it UP, for now  ........my time is UP ! Oh....one more thing:  What is the first thing you  do in the morning & the last thing you do at  night?  U     P Did that one crack you UP? OK, now  I'll shut UP !!

You did WHAT?

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her
pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the
child innocently.

"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know, explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move."

Holy Water

Today is Sunday.  This quote is fitting... isn't it?

"For centuries, man has tried to perfect the making of ‘Holy Water.’  Finally we've succeeded.  A very simple procedure actually... Place water on a hot stove, and boil the 'Hell' out of it!"

Ron and I

Ron and I were born in the same little town back east.  We grew up together, went to the same school together, attended the same church and Sunday school, played together, and yes, we had a few fights along the way.  And after all the years that have since past, we are still the best of friends.

This week someone sent me the following quote...

"The best kind of friend is the kind you can set on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had."

That's Ron.

People are Watching!

This is a great story.  I think there's a lesson here for most of us...

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.  Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.  He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.  The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.  He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.  After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal affects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.  You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.  I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

The Lecture!

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and tobacco abuse on the human body.”
 
The policeman asks, “Really?
 
And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
 
The man replies “My wife”.

Will It Hurt Much, Doctor?

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

The Big Sissy

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice... 'The big sissy.'

Words of Marital Wisdom #2

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Alec Baldwin

Note:  Check Here for more 'Words of Marital Wisdom.'

Counterfeit

I thought today, I'd share something a little more serious than I have in the last few days.  Maybe some of us can relate... I know I can. 

When we get hurt by another person, we have a tendency not to trust in others.

In a relationship, if we get hurt by a woman or a man, then we tend not to trust women or men.  Especially if we get hurt more than once.

Many people will hurt you.  They are predators and actually enjoy causing pain.  Usually, they've been hurt themselves, and hurt people, hurt people.

It's kind of like money.

There are counterfeit money out there.  There are counterfeit or bad checks and stolen credit cards.

Once you've been burned with one bad check, you are skeptical about checks.  That's why some businesses simply don't take checks; they've been burned.

There are millions of dollars of counterfeit money floating around and one day, you might get some.

But there is also billions of dollars of genuine money floating around.  You don't throw ALL of the money away just because you got a few counterfeit bills do you?

No, you don't.

Then don't throw all of humanity away just because  you encountered a few counterfeits.

And remember, even with the genuine, most money is extremely dirty.  It has changed h ands many time (often dirty hands) and has been, who knows where.  Most money is just full of germs.

You don't throw away twenty dollars bills just because they've been through some rough times do you?

No, you don't.

Give people the same chance that you give money.

Inspect both well.  However, those with wisdom can recognize the real from the counterfeit or have tools to tell the difference.

Real and counterfeit, they are BOTH out there.

Don't shut out the real, and don't get taken by the counterfeit.