My Dog

This one is especially for all you Canadian readers out there.

I Just Realized Something:

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing ~ and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me …

MY dog is a SENATOR!

The Atheist Teacher

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I’m not an atheist.”

Then, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a Christian.”

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

“Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian.”

The teacher is now angry, “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

She paused, and smiled. “Then,” says Lucy, “I’d be an atheist.”

Hold My Hand

“A little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter: "Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river."

The little girl said: "No, Dad. You hold my hand."

"What's the difference?" Asked the puzzled father.

"There's a big difference," replied the little girl.

"If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go."

In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. So hold the hand of the person whom you love rather than expecting them to hold yours...”

-- Unknown

Religious Squirrel

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied. 

The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Clever Kiwi

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter..

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

 "Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

Widdle Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a Petsmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”

Free Ride

A mother asked her young son, as they waited for the bus, to tell the driver he was 5 years old, because then he would ride for free.

As they got into the bus the driver asked him how old he was.

“I am 5 years old,” said the little boy proudly.

The driver had a son of his own that age, and smiled, “And when will you be 6 years old?` he asked.

“When I get off the bus,” answered the boy.

The Stop Sign

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. 

He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. 

The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, “What for?” 

The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” 

The lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.” 

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the sheriff impatiently. 

The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.” 

The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.” 

The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

 The sheriff says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

Local Brothel Sues Church Over Lighting Strike

MT. VERNON, TEXAS …

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church across the street started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground.

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
 

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

 

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
 

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented:

 

"I don't know how the heck I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all BS."

Zapped

For part of his earlier years,  Phil was a veterinarian.  While cutting his hair a couple of weeks ago he was telling me about an incident that happened to him during that time.

It was during calving season and he had a call from a farmer who was having a problem with one of his cows giving birth. 

After he arrived and had assessed the situation, he knew what he had to do.  He pulled out a pair of clippers from his case and trimmed around the back end of the cow.  But before he had finished prepping, the clipper had quit working.  He shook them a little, wiggled the cord, but still nothing.  He discarded them on the ground and noticed that there was bare wire exposed half way down the cord.  It must have shorted out, he thought.  

Giving his full attention now to the poor mother trying to give birth, he shoved his right arm up inside the cow, and pulled the calf out.  It wasn't breathing.  He cleared the throat and mouth as best he could.  He tried helping it stand.  But it appeared the little guy wasn't going to make it.  It fell over and hit the ground.  But as it did, it landed on the exposed wire of Phil's clipper, which was still plugged into the power outlet.  Instantly the calf was shocked back to life.  It was exactly what it needed and in exactly the right time.  It was running around within seconds.

A little unconventional maybe... but accidents do and can sometimes happen, for good reason.