British Humor

The train was quite crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please Ma'am.  May I sit down?  I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!  This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.  And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

Long Shot

So far it's been an unusual summer around here.  Extreme temperatures, high winds, to much rain and way to many mosquitoes!

But there's another thing that has caused havoc around our place this summer.  Hornets!  Now hornets won't burn your house down, or kill you, but it could happen.  And it almost did for me, about a week ago, in both cases.

I was mowing the lawn, and must have disturbed a nest of them in the ground, when all of a sudden I was being attacked by a swarm, ready to devour me.  I instantly let the lawnmower go, as my hands went flailing above my head, trying desperately to ward of my attackers, running for my life at the same time.  This all happened in less than two seconds.  But in that short time frame, I had been stung five times.  Three hits on my left wrist, one on the tip of a finger and one on the top of my nose.  (And for anyone who 'nose' me, you'd have to agree, any bigger would not be a pretty site.) 

The following day, after nursing my wounds, my wife discovered a hornets nest under a bench in front of  the picture window on our deck.  She thought lighting a votive candle,  and placing it under the bench near the nest might drive them away.  It didn't work.  Actually I think they kinda liked the soothing smell. 

That same evening I decided to run in town and pick up a can of wasp spray, that a friend suggested.  It was called "Long Shot."  Guaranteed to get rid of our pest problem, he said.

I waited 'till about 10pm before carrying out my execution.  I stood back about six feet, bent down, took careful aim and pulled the trigger.  In all my excitement to rid those nasty critters for good, I had neglected to blow out the candle first.  Instantly, I was holding a six foot flame thrower.  The nest caught fire, the deck caught fire, flames were shooting up the side of our ceder home.  I threw my 'torch', ran inside to the kitchen, grabbed the fire extinguisher from underneath the sink, pulled the pin as I ran back to the deck, kicked the bench over (in my bare feet) putting a one inch gash in my right foot, at the same time dousing the fire with the chemicals. 

That whole scene was played out in about ten to fifteen seconds.  It's amazing the adrenaline rush we get when we are faced with such a panic situation.

No damage was done to the deck or the ceder siding.  Only the fumes ignited and was put out before the wood had a chance to actually catch on fire.  

All the hornets died!

Dog Gone

There's a cemetery about about a mile from where we live.  I drive by there many times a week.

About a month ago, on a Sunday morning, I had to swing by our church to check on a call that I had received from our Security company.  It was about 6 am.  Not much traffic and very little activity anywhere for that time of day.  Except when I drove by the cemetery I had noticed someone with a wheelbarrow and shovel walking about.

A little unusual for Bob to be working today, I thought.  (Bob is the caretaker and grave digger of that particular cemetery).

A few days later, Bob was in for a haircut and I had mentioned about seeing him at the cemetery around six o'clock the previous Sunday morning.  "No, it wasn't me," he said. He's never there on Sundays.

Today, which is about five weeks later, he's back for another haircut.  He informed me that he had solved the mystery of the early Sunday morning cemetery prowler, that I had seen.

Apparently, someone decided it'd be a great idea if they came around daylight, and bury their dog, that had died a couple of days prior.  

Unbeknown to me, Bob had done some poking around (literally) and found a small box about five inches below the ground surface, directly behind a plot where someone had recently been buried.  Contacting the family of the deceased person, he did find out who had come in and helped themselves to a doggy plot, directly behind the 'owner of the dog.'

The body of the dog was exhumed, and found a proper burial spot.  No charges were laid.  

Smart Kid

Pete was telling me today that him and his wife were invited to a wedding out of province, about a month ago.  It was about a six hour drive, so they left on Friday to  be sure they had lots of time for the Saturday celebration.

 

While getting ready Saturday morning, his wife thought it might be a good idea if he popped down to the little Barbershop in the hotel lobby, for a light trim, since he neglected to come and see me before he left.

Halfway through the haircut, a little boy, about ten years old was seen looking in through the Barbershop window from the outside.

The Barber then said to Pete, “See that kid staring in the window there?”  “He’s the dumbest kid I’ve ever seen.” 

“Why is that?”  Pete asked.

“Well about every two weeks he comes by here and just stands and stares at me though the window.”  “So, let me show you how dumb he really is.”

The Barber then goes to the cash  register and takes out fifty cents and places it in one hand.  And in the other hand he places a dollar.

He nods to the kid to come inside.  When inside, he asks him which he would prefer to take.  He takes the fifty cents, thanks the Barber and leaves.

“See what I mean?” he than says.

Interesting, thought Pete. 

 

While walking to his car a short time later, Pete ran into the kid and he had to ask… “How come you took the fifty cents and not the dollar?

The kid replied, “Because the day I take the dollar from him, our little game is over.”

And Then It's Winter

You know. . . time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.

But, here it is... the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well, seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting grey...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!  But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth...its over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.
So, if you're not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!
                          
"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.
        
LIVE IT WELL!
ENJOY TODAY!
DO SOMETHING FUN!
BE HAPPY !
HAVE A GREAT DAY

Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.

LIVE HAPPY IN 2013!
LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:
                         
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~ Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect!
~ Going out is good.. Coming home is better!
~ You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
~ You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.
~ The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
~ You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
~ You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~ You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???
~ Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~ You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~ What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~ Everybody whispers.
~ You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.
~ But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
                          
It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.

Purina Nuggets

Len has been retired for about six years.  With nothing but time on his hands, here’s a typical day at the market, for him… well kinda.

Yesterday I was at the local IGA, he told me,  buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?

 So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

IGA won't let me shop there anymore, he said.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

Bikes, Horses And Automobiles

Maidstone, Saskatchewan. It was the mid 1930's.  Farmers on the Prairies were especially hard hit by the collapse of wheat prices.  Joseph was 15 years old.  In spite of all the hardship families had to endure during those times, he had managed to somehow, save enough, doing odd jobs for different farmers, to buy his first bicycle. Although it was a used bike, that never bothered him at all.  Joseph had freedom now to ride the dirt roads and wagon trails. And to run errands for his parents, whenever he could.

One day, shortly after a heavy rainstorm, Joseph was riding into town, which was about two miles from the farm.  It was hard riding a two wheeler that day.  And as he approached a small hill on the muddy dirt road, he came upon a gentleman in a Model T Ford, stuck in the mud.  The man was furious.  Cursing the rain, the road and the car he was driving, he looked at Joseph, and said, "I'll trade you this car for your bike."  For a second, Joseph wasn't sure how to react to such a statement, but simply said, "Huh, sure, OK."

Joseph gave up his bicycle right there on the spot that day.  And the man rode off, leaving him with the car still stuck in the mud.

Returning home in a hurry, Joseph told his dad what had happened.  They immediately harnessed up their team of horses and scurried back to the site.  A rope was attached to the front end of the vehicle, and the horses gently pulled the car out of the mud.  

For Joseph and his family, living in the depression years in the west, was tough. But that day they went from a bike, a team of horses, to a Model T Ford.

True story.  I personally know Joseph's son.  I cut his hair just this morning.

What's That?

Jim and his wife were given a pair of tickets to the Oak Ridge Boys concert at the River Cree Casino last Friday night.

He told me today, while cutting his hair, that they played for about ninety minutes non stop.  A very entertaining, energetic show, he said.

While driving home that evening, they came upon a police check stop.  As they pulled over to the side of the road, they were approached by a very young officer.  Jim thought he looked about 12 years old.  

The first question that he asked them of course, was, 'Have you been drinking?' 

'No', said Jim, 'We actually just come from a concert at River Cree.'  

'Who was playing?'  the young officer asked.  

'The Oak Ridge Boys' said Jim.

'The Oak Ridge Boys... what's that?'  replied the officer.

At that point Jim was thinking... 'I must really be getting old, or our police force has become very desperate.

Bruce Sm’allmighty

Bruce is a man of many talents.  For over fifteen years now, I’ve been cutting his hair.

Retired from the Forest Industry for more than twenty years,  he has many stories to tell.

The one I’ll share here happened in the 1980’s.

Bruce and a couple of his colleagues were sent to Newfoundland by his company, to negotiate a deal for the purchase of the Bowater’s Pulp and Paper mill in Corner Brook.

It was January.  And he arrived in the city in one of the worst blizzards of that winter. 

While driving to the hotel, where he was to meet with his associates, he said the snow was up over the tops of most of the road signs. And when you could see them, the lettering was so small, you could barely read them.  That made navigation around the city, somewhat challenging for a newcomer.

His first statement that morning in the boardroom was, “How come your road signs are so small around here?”  “I almost didn’t make it to the hotel.”

He knew he’d better shut up and pay attention when one of the Newfoundland Reps quickly spoke up and said, “Around des parts, we knows where we’re goin’ my son.”

Bruce and his company lost their bid, but only by fifteen million dollars!

Newfie Police Understanding

For everyone who knows who Mavis is, will admit, she is a beautiful lady, who would go out of her way to avoid confrontation.

A policeman stops Mavis just outside her home in St. John's Newfoundland, and asks to see her driving licence.   He says rather assertively 'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.'

Mavis promptly answers sweetly, 'Well, I have contacts.'

The policeman replies gruffly, 'I don't care who you knows, my dear. You're still gettin' a ticket.'