Mom's On The Roof!

Norman left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

Norman was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked Norman.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

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Coming Out Of Church

Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, ''Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?" 

''I didn't even see her,'' admitted Mr. Smith.

''And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing,'' continued Mrs. Smith,  ''Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two.''

''I'm afraid I didn't notice that either,'' said Mr. Smith.

''Oh, for heaven's sake,'' snapped Mrs. Smith.  ''A lot of good it does you to go to church.''

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Locked In The Cellar

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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Homework

"Jimmy! I thought I told you to do the dishes after you do your homework! Why are you watching television?"

"It's okay, Mom! I haven't done my homework yet."

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You're a kid?

Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk.

Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool: a five-year-old boy.

After awhile, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave."

Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave, because his father was calling.

 Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?"

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Express Lane

Has this ever happened to you?

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

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Move!

It was a typically busy day at the bank.

After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?"

Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."

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Ol' Fred's Note

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died
.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!?"

Mama's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home and I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was nice. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya,
MAMA

Oil Shortage

Remember a few years ago, there were a lot of folks who couldn't understand how we came to have an oil shortage in America.

Well, there was a very simple answer...

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

All the oil was in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma. All othe dipsticks were in Washington, DC

Onions!

Here's an interesting and worthwhile read.  It isn't my story, but I believe everyone out there should read it. Could this put the pharmaceutical companies out of business?  Maybe...

In 1919 when the flu killed 40 million people, there was a Doctor that visited many farmers to see if he could help them combat this flu, as many of the farmers and their families had contracted it and many had died.

The doctor came upon this one farmer and, to his surprise, everyone in his family was very healthy. When the doctor asked what the farmer was doing that was different, the wife replied that she had placed an unpeeled onion in a dish in the rooms of the home, (probably only two rooms back then). The doctor couldn't believe it and asked if he could have one of the onions and place it under the microscope. She obliged and when he tested it, he found that the onion was riddled with flu virus. It had obviously absorbed the bacteria and therefore, kept the family healthy.

I heard this story from my hairdresser: she said that several years ago, many of her employees were coming down with the flu and also many of her customers. The next year she placed several bowls with onions around in her shop and, to her surprise, none of her staff got sick (and no, she is not in the onion business).

So the sensible answer would seem to be, buy some onions and place them in bowls around your home. If you work at a desk, place one or two in your office (under your desk or even a windowsill). Try it and see what happens. We did it last year and none of us contracted the flu.

If this helps you and your loved ones from getting sick, all the better. If you do get the flu, it just might be a mild case..  

Whatever, what have you to lose? Just a few pennies on onions!!

Now there is a P.S. to this, for I sent it to a friend in  Oregon  who regularly contributes material to me on health issues. She replied with this most interesting experience about onions:  

"Thanks for the reminder. I don't know about the farmers story, but I do remember that I contracted pneumonia and, needless to say, I was very ill. I came across an article that said to cut both ends off an onion, put one end on a fork and then place the forked end into an empty jar, placing the jar next to the sick patient at night. It said the onion would be black in the morning from the germs. Sure enough, it happened just like that.. the onion was a mess and I began to feel better.

Another thing I read in the article was that onions and garlic placed around the room saved many from the black plague years ago. They have powerful antibacterial and antiseptic properties."  

Here is another point:

LEFT OVER ONIONS ARE POISONOUS!

I have often used an onion which has been left in the fridge and sometimes don't use a whole one at a time and so save the other half for later.

Now with this information, I have changed my habits and buy smaller onions!

I had the wonderful privilege of touring Mullins Food Products, makers of   mayonnaise. Mullins is huge and is owned by 11 brothers and sisters of the Mullins family. My friend, Jeanne, is the CEO.   Questions about food poisoning came up and I wanted to share what I'd learned from a chemist.

The guy who gave us our tour is named Ed. Ed is one of the brothers and a chemistry expert who is involved in developing most of the sauce formula. He's even developed a sauce formula for McDonald's.

Keep in mind that Ed is a food chemistry whiz.

During the tour, someone asked if we really needed to worry about mayonnaise...people are always worried that mayonnaise will spoil. Ed's answer will surprise you, as he said that all commercially made Mayo is completely safe.  

"It doesn't even have to be refrigerated - there's no harm in refrigerating it, but it's not really necessary", he explained. He said that the pH in mayonnaise is set at an environmental point that bacteria could not survive in and he then talked about the quintessential picnic, with the bowl of potato salad sitting on the table and how everyone blames the mayonnaise when someone gets sick.

Ed says that when food poisoning is reported, the first thing the officials look for is when the victim last ate onions and where those onions came from (in the potato salad?). Ed says that it's not the mayonnaise (as long as it's not homemade Mayo) that spoils in the outdoors, it's the onions and/or the   potatoes  (ever seen a potato go black? Thought so..)

He explained that onions are a huge magnet for bacteria, especially uncooked onions. You should never plan to keep a portion of a sliced onion and he says it's not even safe if you put it in a zip-lock bag and put it in your refrigerator.

It's already contaminated enough just by being cut open and exposed to the air for a while and can be a real danger to you (and doubly watch out for those onions you have put in your hot dogs and burgers at the vendors!).

Ed says that if you take the leftover onion and cook it like crazy you'll probably be OK, but if you slice that leftover onion and put it on your sandwich, then you're asking for trouble. Both the onions and the moist potato in a potato salad will attract and grow bacteria faster than any commercial mayonnaise will take to even begin breaking down.

Take it for what you will. I (the author) am going to be very careful about my onions from now on. For some reason, I see a lot of credibility coming from a chemist.

And another point: dogs should   never   eat onions. Their stomachs cannot metabolize onions.

Please remember it is dangerous to cut onions to cook the next day. They become highly poisonous even if just left overnight and create toxic bacteria which may cause adverse stomach infections because of excess bile secretions and even food poisoning.

Moment of Silence

At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead... As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, 'Dad, you have some of their albums!'

Takes all Kinds

On February 08, 2011, one of my clients and I were no doubt, in a deep discussion about something.  I can't remember that particular day, what the topic was, but I'm sure we had the solution to at least, a couple of the worlds problems.  As we often do in  (BSD) Barber Shop Discussions.

After his haircut and as he was leaving, here's what I said to him...  

"It takes all kinds to make a world.  It only takes one to make a difference."

My Father Wouldn't Like It

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man.  "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said.

"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

That's Just Bull!

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Drop Dead!

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand,  clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. 

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?"

They cut the cards.  Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
 
"Discreet?  I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.  Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." 

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.  The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?  Goldberg declares:  "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
 
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
 
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

Your Chicken

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

Pepper?

A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!"

Have a Nice Flight!

Tom was telling me he picked up his mother-in-law at the airport. He said she's getting a little 'up there'  and at the age where she doesn't remember things too well.

So when he saw her he said, ''Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!''

Ready

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, 'Honey, are you ready yet?' Shouting back, the woman replies, 'For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last half hour...I'll be ready in a minute!'

Two Campers and A Bear!

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

Winston Churchill

True story...

Many years ago, a lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk."

Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

Game Over!

A young boy enters a Barber Shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” 

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Free Medical Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Rough Landing

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."  

He said that, in light of his bad landing.  He had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

Here's another one...

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town.  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

What's Wrong With Men?

Don't believe everything you hear about men.  But here's one I thought the ladies will enjoy...

Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with men.  The problem lies in the two halves of their brains - the left and the right.

The left half has nothing right in it.

And the right half has nothing left in it!