Never Trust An Irishman!

Harry was born in Northern Belfast, Ireland.  At age fifteen he began his apprenticeship in Barbering, at a local Barber Shop.  Some of his first duties were running errands, sweeping the floors, mopping and dusting, etc.

After a few months he slowly broke into the actual haircutting business.  And eventually became very good at it.  The story you're about to read is just one of many, that he's been a participant in and told to me, over the few years I've known and worked with him here in Canada.

It was his first year as an apprentice.  And it was just another day at the shop.  The owner and his boss, Steve, was giving a client a haircut.  Just before he was finished, he had accidentally created an "oops" (something you never want to hear from the person cutting your hair) at the back of his head.  He immediately told the client that it appears that he has a mild case of alopecia here. He called Harry over to take a look.  "See this?" he says directing the conversation now to Harry,  "This is called alopecia areata, (male pattern-baldness and knowing, without a doubt that neither the client nor Harry would have any clue what that technical term meant at the time), but no big deal.  "We have a product here in the shop, that will take care of that" he continued. 

From a shelf he removed a small bottle of hair tonic.  Told the client, if he used this twice a week for the next month, the bald spot would disappear by the time he returned for his next haircut.

The client pays for his haircut, as well as the bottle of tonic, and leaves the shop, very pleased with the professional service he received.

Sure enough, about a month later, he's back.  Very excited to report to Steve, how well the product he sold him, had worked.  The bald spot was gone!

Moral of the story.  Never trust an Irishman!!

Fixing Canada’s Economy

During the recession we encountered a couple of years ago, someone suggested an excellent idea for fixing Canada's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks and car companies, that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan:

There are about 20 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1

million apiece severance, for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new Canadian CAR. Twenty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

4) They MUST send their kids to school / college /university - Crime rate fixed

5) Buy $50 of alcohol / tobacco / petrol a week... there's your money back in duty / tax etc.

It can't get any easier than that!

Note: If more money is needed, have all members of  parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

Florida court sets atheist Holy Day

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the coming Easter and Passover

holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against

Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate

presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case

dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor,

how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,

Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet

my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance  or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.  Psalm 14:1

states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of

this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore,

April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

You gotta love a Judge who knows his scripture!

Grizzly Bait!

While living in Northern BC a few years ago I met a retired school teacher Lorraine and her husband John. They both came to me for haircuts.  Lorraine told me the following story about a 'grizzly' camping trip they once had.

It was a July weekend, the weather was perfect.  The kids and dog were so excited to be going to their favorite camping spot, at One Island Lake, just outside of Dawson Creek. They packed up their truck and camper trailer, had enough supplies for the weekend, and off they went. About an hours drive from home, they arrived.  And at around 7 pm everything was set up.  They’d eaten supper and were now relaxing around the open fire as the three kids, Danny 3, the twins, Anna and Leah 5, and their little dog Tia, were playing in the sand and water, at the edge of the lake.

As bedtime arrived, everyone was so tired that, getting the kids settled in for the night was not a problem.  By 10 pm everybody was sound asleep.

At about 3 am Lorraine was awakened by what she thought was a scratching noise coming from the left side of the camper, where the girls were sleeping. She opened her eyes and to her absolute horror is looking at the silhouette of a massive, full grown Grizzly Bear, hovering over the two girls!  She jumped up, grabbed the two girls and literally threw them towards her husband John, who was also awake by now.  At this point the Grizzly had disappeared.

John waited a minute before reaching out and pulling the zipper down in the doorway to take a quick look outside.  As he did he was point blank, face to face, eyeball to eyeball with the bear.  Unsure about what his next move would be, he quickly reached behind him, without moving away from the door, grabbed Tia, and threw the dog in the face of the bear!  Seconds went by and all was heard from the outside was screeching, growling and howling.  And then complete silence.

John eventually went outside to take a look around.  Both the Grizzly and dog had disappeared and were nowhere to be seen.  Quickly scouring the area, and taking a peek underneath the trailer, he found Tia setting there, bug eyed and shaking terribly, but apparently Okay.  She had survived the whole ordeal, unscathed.  

At this point, camping didn’t seem to be much fun anymore.  So everything was packed up, loaded aboard the truck and camper and they headed for home.  Danny had slept through the whole thing.  He only remembers what he was told, about that night.

Lorraine said they never actually gave up on camping after that.  But each time she started packing things together for a camping trip, the dog would run and hide.  Could you blame her?  I'm sure she would be thinking... "you ain't takin' me, you just wanna use me for Grizzly bait!"

The Shower Towel

Tom is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. She quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, she drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

Wrapping herself again in the towel she goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Parable Of Two Wolves

Jim and I became very good friends over the past couple of years.  As a regular client, we covered a lot of topics.

Here's a very timely story he shared on one of his recent visits...

An old Cherokee was teaching his young grandson one of life’s most important lessons.  He told the young boy the following parable:

“There is a fight going on inside each of us.  It is a terrible fight between two wolves,” he said.

“One wolf is evil.  He is anger, rage, envy, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, resentment, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

“The second wolf is good.  He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, truth, compassion, and faith.”

The grandson thought about this for a moment.  Then he asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win this fight?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Getting Towed

Gas prices are through the roof!  Never before, have we paid this much to run our vehicles.  For a long time, it seems the number one topic of conversation, outside the weather, is the never ending cost of what we all have to pay for gas.

Mary sat waiting, as I cut her husbands hair, Ted.  Just as I was finishing up, she says, “Hey fellows, did you hear about the guy who got his car towed?  He said, it was cheaper than a tank of gas!”

A Lawyer and The Newfie

A lawyer from Alberta and a Newfie are sitting next to each other on a long flight, back east.  The lawyer is thinking that Newfies are so dumb that he could get 'one' over on them easy enough... So he asks if the Newfie would like to play a fun game.

The Newfie is tired and just wants to sleep, so he politely declines and tries to catch a nap. The lawyer persists, and says, "This game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."  This catches the Newfie’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The Newfie doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Newfie’s turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Newfie and hands him $500. The Newfie pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. Again he wakes the Newfie up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The Newfie reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep. 

The Squared-Away Marine

Someone told me that last Tuesday President Obama got off a helicopter in front of the White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.  The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:  "Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."

Double or Nothing!

Gord has always been an inspiration to me.  We’ve known each other for more than twenty years.  He went north for a few years, but we still saw each other occasionally.  For the past ten years he’s been a regular client of mine again here at the shop.

One day he decided that we should flip a coin to see who pays for his haircut.  He says, “Double or nothing.”  Meaning that if I win the toss, he would pay double for his haircut, and if I lost the bit, he gets a free haircut.  Fair enough!  I won a few, he won a few.  As time went on, I’d say we were about even.  It was a lot fun. 

On one of his recent visits, we got talking about how, me standing on a cement floor for the past 30 years cutting hair must have taken a bit of a tole on my back and legs.  I said it actually hasn’t been to bad.  But he thought I should have a fatigue mat to stand on, installed around my chair.  And with that in mind he said, “Here’s what we’re gonna do today…when we toss for the haircut, if you win, I'll give you a hundred dollars.  But you have to invest it, in a mat, and I want to see the mat when I come for my next haircut.”  Deal, I thought.  The coin was tossed.  Guess what?  I won!  The mat was there on his next visit.  Proof is in the picture. 

Gord, I know you're reading this, and I just want to say 'Thank you.'  You really are an inspiration, not just to me, but to everyone you come in contact with.  I know.  They told me.  :>)

The Eskimo Disease

Bill has a heart condition and has spent many weeks in the Hospital.  But  he could still find a way to make people laugh.  During his last haircut, he told me he was there for about ten days.  Just before his release, a doctor came by and asked him, if he would mind if a few interim students could come by, to ask him a few questions.  He complied.  No problem.

Everybody had their clipboards and questions ready.  After about half an hour of questioning, in which he answered everything without hesitation, one girl asked, “Bill, what is perhaps the worst part of being here in the hospital for long periods of time?”  Bill quickly answered, “It’s the Eskimo Disease, that really bothers me the most.”  The Eskimo Disease?  Everybody had the same puzzling look on their face.  Finally, one of the younger female students had to speak up.  “The Eskimo Disease... please tell us, what is, The Eskimo Disease?”

“Well,” Bill said, “I think the actual term for it is, Lacka’nuna.”

And still, by the looks Bill was observing, he knew, they just weren’t getting it.  ‘Till finally he blurted out... “Oh wait a minute, wait a minute, I think the real word for it is, Lacka’nookie!”

Giggles, and finally laughter, was all Bill heard as the last Interim, left his room.

Danger in your backyard

Rob has spent most of his career, flying helicopters for the military.  While cutting hair today, he was telling me he had just gotten back from a five month tour in Afghanistan.  He said the whole trip went without a hitch... not even a scratch!

He was back home for only a day or so, when he noticed a couple of windblown poplars in his back yard.  He went to check it out and apparently one of the trees that blew over, was leaning against another.  He gently gave it a nudge to push it over and a piece of dry branch broke loose from above, came flying down, striking him, dead center on the noodle.  Seventeen stitches later, the doctor had him put back together, and said he’d be fine.

Can our very own backyards be a more dangerous place, than the war in the middle east? Probably not. But in Rob’s case... yes.

Never question a Drunk

Ever hear one of those stories or jokes that you can't help by laugh no matter how many times you hear it?  For me, here's one.  Enjoy!


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a 1L of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, 1L of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, 1 Kilo can of coffee, and 500g package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a Drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchase, the Drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single.  She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her martial status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct.  But how on earth did you know that?”

The Drunk replied, “ ’Cause you’re ugly.”

Taken out!

Larry always got a good story to tell, or a good joke.  During his haircut today he said his wife asked him yesterday if he would take her out to some expensive place for a change.  He said, “I took her to the nearest gas station.”

The Haircut

Tomorrow we go to the polls to vote in our municipal elections here in Alberta.  So I thought the following little story would be appropriate at this time...

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen MP's lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Parliament.

Vote carefully this year.

Nothing personal John.  Like I told you earlier, if I lived in your area, you'd get my vote.
 

Ian and Sylvia

Whenever Pat dropped in for a haircut, music was always discussed sometime during the conversation.  This one particular day, former music legends Ian and Sylvia was the topic of interest. 

Pat said, “Ian and Sylvia made a fortune in the music Industry.  And in the early years Ian lost just about everything.  He spent most of his money on cheap wine and loose women, and the rest, he just wasted!”

Gambling Chips!

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings..

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the 'Chip Monks.'

A Hoot

I like Bud.  He’s an elderly gentlemen, late seventies.  Excellent conversationalist, with  a great sense of humor.  Upon  greeting him one day, I said, “So how are you today Bud?”  In which he immediately replied, “Just like the old owl… not worth a hoot!”

Power of Giving

(This is a true story.  It happened to me.)

The year is 2003.  And about two and half years prior, a client of mine, a retired pastor, would drop by the shop every morning, for a visit and a chat.  Everyday he would bring me the newspaper and leave it, when he left.  This went on for over a year.  Being a pastor, talking, of course, was not a problem!  I got to hear some pretty interesting stories.  Most of them very inspiring.

Example.  At that time, he told me, he would get up every morning at 4am and deliver papers.  During the day he would walk around town and along the highways, and pick up bottles.  From the money he raised from the paper route, and the bottles, he would sponsor homeless children, through World Vision.  At that time he had eight kids, and his goal was ten.  I got to thinking, “What am I doing?”  Here’s a man in his seventies, getting up at four in the morning delivering papers and picking bottles, and sponsoring children overseas, from that money,... there must be something I can do.  Well, there was, but it took awhile!

One day, during one of our visits, he asked me if  I’d be interested in buying his car.  It was a 1989 Caprice Classic.  A great car in it’s day!  And still in excellent shape.

I said, “I’d love to, but at the time, I really can’t afford it.”

He said, “Don’t worry, I’ll give you a deal, you can’t refuse.”

He wanted $1500.00 for the car, and said I could pay it out over the next fifteen months, at $100.00 per month.  He was right, I couldn’t refuse.  I took him up on his offer.  And yes, that did make life a lot easier for us, at the time.  I drove that car everyday, for the next two years... trouble free! 

At this time, a very good personal friend of ours,  bought a new pickup.  During conversation one day, I asked him what he was going to do with his old one, a ‘92 Chevy half ton, in excellent shape I might add.  He said he was going to, give it away!  Unbeknown to me at the time, it was us, he was  planning on giving it to.  Sure enough, about two days later, he drove in our driveway, delivering our truck.  To this day, and at the time of this writing, it’s been over five years.  I’m still driving that truck, trouble free!  I still can’t believe, that it actually happened.  But it did!

It’s amazing sometimes how God, in His progression of events, can make things happen, and we are not even aware of it at the time.  It gets even better!

So now I’m thinking, “If someone just gave me a Truck, than I have a Car to give away.  Right?  Wrong!

About two weeks later at a Sunday night service, at our church, Ryan Sutten was speaking, (a missionary in Ethiopia).  It was made clear to me in that service that I was not to give that car away, but sell it and give the money to his ministry in Ethiopia.  That’s exactly what I did.  I went back to work Tuesday morning, went to my computer and made a ‘For Sale’ sign, to put up in the shop.  As it was printing, I looked up, and to my amazement, the pastor and his wife, who sold me the car two years earlier, who , by the way, moved to Red Deer, Alberta, that same week, and I had not seen them since, was at this very moment, walking in the door.  Ok.  Now I’m a little rattled.  What does this mean?  He’s the very same person, who sold me the car over two years ago.  I haven’t seen them since.  And now, the very day I plan to sell the car, they walk back into my shop.

But I did know what it meant.  They also had to hear this story.  And the blessing they have been to me.  The blessing that his car was to us.  And now, even a blessing to someone in Africa, because of the deal that he gave me, two years before. 

Nothing we really have is ours.  God can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, however he wants, with whatever we have.

Are we, here at home a blessed people?  Yes we are.  Can we bless other people?  Yes we can.  And we often do, without actually realizing it.

I sold that car for one thousand dollars!  And the money was sent the Ryan Sutten Ministry... and because my pastor friend here at home, out of Christian love, and the goodness of his heart, gave me the deal that he gave me, and the same for our friends who gave me their old pickup, people in Ethiopia will be blessed.

Note:  One Thousand Dollars, Canadian, will support a pastor and his family in Ethiopia for one whole year!

GOD IS GOOD!!

Hey! That’s my wife!

Byron’s been truckin’ most all of his adult life.  Following his haircut one day, a trucker friend of his showed up as he was leaving the shop.  He relayed the following story about Byron, while on a trip to Alaska...

On this particular trip to the north, Byron’s wife, Kay had decided to go along for the ride.  Which wives do on occasion, to keep their trucker husbands, company, on such long and often tiring treks.

Midway through the first day on the road, it was time for a pit stop.  In the meantime, Kay is now in the sleeper, having a mid afternoon nap.  (OK, I know what you’re thinking... “Great company she is?”)

She appears to be sleeping like a baby, as the truck comes to a stop.  Byron gets out without disturbing her, to use the washroom and grab a few snacks, before returning.

About a minute later, Kay is awakened and realizing that they are at a truck stop, decided she may as will take advantage of the stop and go use the little girls room.

While Kay is in the washroom, Byron returns to his truck, quietly straps himself in, and slowly pulls out of the parking lot, and heads down the highway!

As Kay made her exit out of the service station, and seeing only tail lights of their truck heading north, a slight panic sat in. 

But she did  managed to hitch a ride with another trucker, a few minutes later.  About half hour up the road, they caught up to Byron, and proceeded to pass him.  As they did, Kay waved to him from the passenger side window.  And being the friendly guy that Byron is, as she caught his attention, he just casually waved back, never yet realizing it was his wife.

Eventually both truckers stopped.  Byron got his wife back.