Time... to a pig?

I haven't done a farmer joke in a long time.  Here's one I came by recently, thought you might enjoy...

On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

"Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?"

"Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"

Politician son

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path… so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren’t at home.

The father told the mother, “If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest – but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a drunkard.”

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously.

Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they’d be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.
Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality.

Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: “Darn, it’s even worse than I ever imagined…”

“What do you mean?” his wife inquired.

“Our son is going to be a politician!”

The New Pastor

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
 
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

Words of Marital Wisdom #5

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.  After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

Note: Click Here for 'Words of Marital Wisdom #4'

Oh, 'bout six beer!

Ken was telling me that a friend of his, Bob had moved to the Edmonton area from Ft. McMurray.  He had spent a number of years there, as a police officer, and is now retired.

While there, he said he'd gotten to know a number of the local residences.  Most of them Newfies.  Just before moving south, a couple of them had asked him if he'd like to join them, on his Quad for a one day fishing trip. And being the outdoorsman that Bob is, he said he'd love to.

Upon arriving at the designated area of departure, Bob asked, "So, how far is it, from here to the fishing area?"  In which one them immediately replied, "Oh, 'bout six beer."

What could he do, only laugh, and join them for the day.

And we all know that Newfies are well known, not to need much of an excuse for a party. 

West Jet

Most of us, at some time or another, have flown with West Jet.  West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight & safety lectures and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here's an example that have been heard or reported by passengers from an actual flight.

A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"   

A passenger yelled: "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Words of Marital Wisdom #4

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.  True story, it happened to me several times in the last couple of weeks.

Note:  Click here  for 'Words of Marital Wisdom #3'

My wife is deaf!

My father is 87 years old this year.  And has been convienced for many years that everyone around him is deaf.  The following story is not about him, but it certainly could have been.

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.

He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.

He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"



Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can conquer tension without medical help

If you can relax without liquor 

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...

Then You Are  Probably... The Family Dog!

Church Bulletin Bloopers

The following  is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service Bloopers.  I'm sure there's a couple here that you haven't seen or you've forgotten.   Enjoy!

* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

* Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

* Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

* The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

American Management

You just gotta love the way the Americans operate.  Check this story out...

The Japanese and Americans decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the Americans team management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Good morning, Admiral

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.

It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?"

Words of Marital Wisdom #3

A lecturer delivering a talk on the demoralizing effect of legal seperation said, "Love is a quest; the proposal a request; the giving in marriage a bequest; the actual marriage, a conquest."

"What is a divorce?" a voice from back asked.

Swift as lightning came the reply,"Ah, that's the inquest."

Note: Click here  for 'Words of Marital Wisdom' #2

Fuz! Could Make You Cry

The following is a true story.  I know.  It happened very close to home...

Kala, (our daughter) is married to Dave.  At the time of the following event, they'd been married for about three years, with one beautiful little girl, Hannah, and a Pomeranian dog they called Jackson. (Nicknamed Fuz). And seven months pregnant with her second.

With an increase in their family transpiring, they really needed a larger vehicle. So for a couple of days, they'd been trying to negotiate a deal at one of the local dealerships.   With not much luck.

We lived about a fifteen minute drive from their house.  It was a Friday evening and they planned to drop by our place for a visit.

Dave carried Hannah and the dog (in his kennel) to the car.  As he usually does, he laid the kennel on the trunk of the car, while safely securing Hannah in her car seat. Kala, by now, had brought whatever supplies that was needed for the evening and was waiting, in the passenger seat.

When finished, Dave slipped in the drivers side seat and they were off. 

About fifteen minutes later they turn into our driveway.  Kala looks over shoulder and says, "Dave, where's Jack?"

Realizing at that exact same moment what he had done, or failed to do, he said, "I left him on the trunk!"

"Well he ain't there now!" Kala screamed.

Hannah was dropped off immediately, at our house.  In a panic, they both headed back to town.  And both knowing exactly where the kennel may have fallen off the trunk.  It was at the last intersection at the edge of town, where they had made a left turn to come north to our place.

As they approached the intersection, minutes later, they could see the kennel laying upside down in the ditch.  They quickly stopped the car, ran across the road and picked it up.  Their worst fears were realized.   Little 'Fuz' was dead.

For the next couple of weeks, their lives were in turmoil.  They could barely function.

In the meantime, the following day, they had an appointment to keep with the sales manager at the car dealership. They weren't ready to give up yet, on getting that new vehicle. 

Setting across from him in his office that day, seven months pregnant, and relaying the events of the past day or so, may have been in their favor.  For he also owned  a little pom.  They drove away that afternoon in their new van.

They headed directly to the Registries Office to register the new vehicle.  All the time, Kala kept praying... "God please show us a sign that little Jack is OK, and that we'll get through this whole ordeal."

As Dave handed the necessary papers to the lady behind the counter, she asked him if he had his old licence plate or if he needed a new one. (in Alberta you can transfer your old plate to your new vehicle or cancel it and get a new one.)  He said he'd take a new one.  As he'd forgotten to take the old one when they left the dealership.

She reached down and took the next available plate and placed it on the counter in front of them. Kala saw it first!  She could not believe her eyes.  Sobbing, she grabbed his arm and said, "Dave, look!" The plate read... Fuz 833!!

As their family today, consist of three kids,  Alex 2,  Noah 4,  Hannah 6, plus two dogs, Sam and Indy, they have again upgraded to even a larger vehicle.  But the licence plate still reads... Fuz 833. 

Kala, Alex, Hannah, Noah and Dave

Indy

Sam

                                                                          

Jackson (Fuz)

                                                                        

Marijauna Firewood in NFLD

Here's another one from Small Fortune George.  Thanks George.

 ''Hello, is this the Police Office?''

''Yes. What can I do for you?''

''I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..''

''Thank you very much for the call, sir.''

The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

''Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?''

''Yeah!''

''Did they chop your firewood?''

''Yep!''

''Happy Birthday, buddy!''

(Newfies know how to get'er done!)


Note: Don't miss tomorrow's posting... "Fuz! Will Make You Cry" A true story.

Wet my Pants

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree, when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?''

Slim says, ''I feel just like a newborn baby.''

''Really!?  Like a newborn baby!?''

''Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.''

Snow Plow

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
The wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

Twelve Days of Christmas (Newfie Version)

Written by Shawn Henstridge

Christmas 2003

I wrote this version of the "Twelve Days of Christmas" a few years ago for a Christmas function that we attended.  You may actually have to be from Newfoundland to understand the meaning of some of the lyrics in 'Newfie Slang'
------------------------------

On the first day of Christmas

A care pack came from 'ome

Wit' a Fur Cap and a pair Mitts

On the second day of Christmas

A care pack came from 'ome

Two pairs of Vamps

And a Fur Cap wit' a pair Mitts

On the t'urd day of Christmas

A care pack came from 'ome

T'ree Rubber Boots
Two pairs of Vamps

And a Fur Cap wit' a pair Mitts

On the fort' day of Christmas

A care pack came from 'ome

Four Salted Cod

T'ree Rubber Boots

Two pairs of Vamps

And a Fur Cap wit' a pair Mitts

On the fift' day of Christmas

A care pack came from 'ome

FIVE POUND OF SQUID

Four Salted Cod

T'ree Rubber Boots

Two pairs of Vamps

And a Fur Cap wit' a pair Mitts

On the sixt' day of Christmas

A care pack came from 'ome

Six Frozen Lobster

FIVE POUND OF SQUID

Four Salted Cod

T'ree Rubber Boots

Two Pairs of Vamps

And a Fur Cap wit' a pair Mitts

On the sevent' day of Christmas

A care pack came from 'ome

Seven Turrs fer pickin'

Six Frozen Lobster

FIVE POUND OF SQUID

Four Salted Cod

T'ree Rubber Boots

Two pairs of Vamps

And a Fur Cap wit' a pair Mitts

On the eight' day of Christmas

A care pack came from 'ome

Eight Ver Boughs

Seven Turrs fer pickin'

Six Frozen Lobster

FIVE POUND OF SQUID

Four Salted Cod

T'ree Rubber Boots

Two pairs of Vamps

And a Fur Cap wit' a pair Mitts

On the nint' day of Christmas

A care  pack came from 'ome

Nine Ugly Sticks

Eight Ver Boughs

Seven Turrs fer pickin'

Six Frozen Lobster

FIVE POUND OF SQUID

Four Salted Cod

T'ree Rubber Boots

Two pair of Vamps

And a Fur Cap wit' a pair Mitts

On the tent' day of Christmas

A care pack came from 'ome

Ten Newfie Jigs

Nine Ugly Sticks

Eight Ver Boughs

Seven Turrs fer pickin'

Six Frozen Lobster

FIVE POUND OF SQUID

Four Salted Cod

T'ree Rubber Boots

Two pairs of Vamps

And a Fur Cap wit' a pair Mitts

On the elevent' day of Christmas

A care pack came from 'ome

Eleven Lassy Buns

Ten Newfie Jigs

Nine Ugly Sticks

Eight Ver Boughs

Seven Turrs fer pickin'

Six Frozen Lobster

FIVE POUND OF SQUID

Four Salted Cod

T'ree Rubber Boots

Two pairs of Vamps

And a Fur Cap wit' a pair Mitts

On the twelf' day of Christmas

A care pack came from 'ome

Twelve Hugs and Kisses

Eleven Lassy Buns

Ten Newfie Jigs

Nine Ugly Sticks

Eight Ver Boughs

Seven Turrs fer pickin'

Six Frozen Lobster

FIVE POUND OF SQUID

Four Salted Cod

T'ree Rubber Boots

Two Pairs of Vamps

And a Fur Cap wit' a pair Mitts



Copyright 2003 by Shawn Henstridge

And Then The Fight Started

One of my clients, Jim was telling me the other day about a little incident that happened at home.

He said his wife sat down on the couch next to him as he was flipping channels.

She asked, ''What's on TV?''

He said, ''Dust.''

And then the fight started...

Bob & Joe

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place.
 
 When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
 
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
 
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
 
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
 
His wife burst into tears.
 
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

That's 'Our General'

During his haircut today, Rob, "Danger in your backyard" was telling me that a few years ago he was doing a tour in Bosnia.  While there, they were visited by Canadian General Rick Hillier, where he actually got to know him personally.

Three weeks later back in Fort Hood, Texas, the American Military were holding a nation wide weekend convention, with many high ranking officials in attendance.  With the Canadian General as one of their special guest.  (In 1998 General Hillier was appointed as the first Canadian Deputy Commanding General of III Corps, US Army in Fort Hood, Texas.)

That same week, Rob just happened to be in the Fort Hood area on some Military business and had heard that the Americans were setting up for their annual Military Convention that very weekend, and thought he should go check it out on Saturday night.

Arriving a little early, and speaking briefly to a couple of officials, he made his way towards a seat in the back row.

"So, you're Canadian," said one officer.  "Do you happen to know General Rick Hillier?"

"I've met him on a couple of occasions." Rob replied.

The officers seemed to be VERY impressed.

Later that evening, the M.C. was addressing General Hillier up front and said there was a fellow Canadian setting in the back row, who said, 'he knew you.'

"Have him stand up!"  said the General.

Rob, a little embarrassed by now, stood to his feet.

When he saw him, the General stood at the mic, waving and said,  "Hey Rob, how's it goin'?"

The Americans were flabbergasted!

Before the evening ended, Rob and General Hillier met and he asked Rob if he golfed.  Rob said, "I can manage to hit the odd ball." 

"Good enough," said Hillier.  "What are you doing tomorrow at 2pm?"

"Nothing that can't wait." said Rob.

Hillier said, "Okay than, I'll meet you at the club at two.  You have a cart... ready to go."

Rob than told me that he wasn't late for their tee time, but when he did arrive, the General was already there, sitting on the cart waiting for him.

He said, we smoked a couple cigars, chatted, and had a nice 'round of golf together.

That's our General!  Canada's most popular, and most controversial, military leader since the Second World War!

Rob knew him.  And I knew Rob.  ( My claim to fame? Maybe not.)


Note:  A book, that I believe every Canadian should read is, "A Soldier First" by General Rick Hillier. 

Your CALL!

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

"Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

"Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision."

"This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

"No. I say again, you divert YOUR course."

"THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!"

"This is a lighthouse. YOUR CALL!"

Died in 'The Service'

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
 
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Hospital Regulations

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, Sue found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Nuts!

Bob dropped by for a haircut today.  He's been retired from the trucking business for a few years now.   But has many stories that he can still recall.  Here's an earlier one ( Hey! That's My Wife! )  And the following incident is just another day in the life of a 'Trucker.'

He told me him and his partner Jim were getting ready to haul a load of axles up north to Hay River.  At best loading was always a struggle.  But this particular time it became frustrating.  Jim was fighting with an old rusty nut that he was trying to screw onto a bolt, to help hold down the load.  It was taking forever to get this load secured. 

Bob came by with a brand new nut in his hand and suggested that Jim use it.  And being the stubborn individual that Jim is, he kept insisting that the old nut was going to be fine. 

At this point Bob was thinking that they would never get out of the loading yard.  With his anger at about the boiling point, he threw the nut as far as he could into the bush nearby. 

They spent the next hour looking for the nut.

Recall Notice!

Has anyone checked lately to see if there is in fact still 24 hours in a day?  Time is going by way to fast.  It's Sunday again already!

And with that in mind, I thought the following post would be somewhat appropriate.  Some of you readers will agree, others however, probably won't.  That's okay too.   Here goes...

The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. 

This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed. 

Some of the symptoms include: 

1. Loss of direction 
2. Foul vocal emissions 
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy 
5. Selfish or violent behavior 
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness 
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.

The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. 

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. 

Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. 
  
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with: 

1. Love 
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience 
5. Kindness 
6. Goodness 
7. Faithfulness 
8. Gentleness
9. Self control 

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes. 

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus. 

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. 

Thank you for your attention! 
  
- GOD 
  
P.S.

Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'!  

Because He Lives! 

Small Fortune

George is a great conversationalist.  And as one of my regular clients, was in for a haircut today. 

One of the topics we discussed was Las Vagas.  He told me he'd been to Vagas many times, and finally figured out how to leave there, with a small fortune.

Curiously, I asked, "How?"

He said, "You go there with a large fortune."

The Promised Land

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pickup your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, the Government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about BP, Health Care Plans, the Economy, the Wars, lost Jobs, Savings, Cancer, Social Security, Retirement Funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

My Wife's New Boat

Last summer, my wife, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't plane at high speed at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she walked over to the nearby marina.  Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat.  He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Life

"Life is only traveled ONCE; Today's MOMENT becomes Tomorrow's MEMORY.