Christmas Shopping

Well, it is 'that' time of the year again...

A mother and a daughter are Christmas shopping in the mall, when
the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.

"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present
instead of making you and dad shop for me."

The daughter nods in agreement before the mother continues.

"And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

"But mom," the daughter protests, "Some helpless, poor creature
has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," replies the mother, "Your father won't get
the bill for a couple of weeks."

Lunch With The Girls

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids. 

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol. 

10 years later , the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discounts.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible. 

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.

Ticket Please

Ever have a situation like this happen?

As the railroad conductor entered our car, my friend discovered he had left his ticket at home.

Trying to joke his way out of the awkward situation, my friend told the conductor, “I’m not a dishonest guy. Look, my face is my ticket.”

The conductor didn’t miss a beat.

“And my duty, sir” he said, “is to punch every ticket.”

Newfie E.I.

Gotta love the Newfies!

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. 

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitchery. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs." The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter." Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty Stitcher's are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"