The Substitute Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church  building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "OH CANADA."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


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More Church Bulletin BLOOPERS!

Church Ladies With typewriters . . ..

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.  Enjoy!

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.  

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Farm Boy from Saskatchewan

A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island and went to a huge "everything under one roof departmentstore" looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says, 'Yeah.  I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

'You start tomorrow..  I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.  After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 

'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says 'one'. 

The boss says, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day.  How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65!  What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't  think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition.'

The boss said, 'You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The Saskatchewan farm boy said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot -- you should go fishing!' 

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75 Flights

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.

After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.  

Bill  said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.  I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.  At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.  "I will tell my saddest story first," he said.  "I left the room key in the car!"

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Generous Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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Advanced Payment

Bill's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor.

Bill was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him. "Well," Bill answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "Pay me in advance."

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Under The Circumstances

An old man lived alone in Armagh.  He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.  His only son, Tommy, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Dear Tommy, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad, 'For Heaven's SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!' Love, Tommy.

At 6am, the next morning, a dozen security agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any guns. They apologised to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Tommy.

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Quickest Way?

Arnie, a young American, was on a short break holiday in Piddlehinton in the Dorset countryside.

The next day he was going for a job interview in London but he needed to ask for directions, so he spoke to local farmhand, Martin.
 
''Yo, feller, could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?''

Martin replied in a rich Dorset country accent, ''You driving or walking, lad?''

Arnie quickly replied, ''Driving.''

Martin, the farmhand nodded wisely, saying:  ''Oooh aargh, that be certainly the quickest way.''

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GPS

Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me into the store.

While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated, "Lost satellite contact." I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, "Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you."

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Let's Be Honest!

Peggy had wanted new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.

But, when she went to visit her mother for two weeks, she returned overjoyed to find beautiful new cabinets had been installed in her kitchen.

 

A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit. After admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor said...

 

"All of us were so glad the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen!"

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Charity Begins at Church

Okay, it's Sunday again already.  So here's a little church joke...

After the church service, seven year old Brian said to the preacher:  ''When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money.''

''Well, thank you'',  the preacher replied,  ''but why?''

''Because my daddy says that you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.''

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Memory Test

Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin and Martin men go to the doctor's for their memory test.  It's a miracle they remembered the appointment! 

Anyway, the doctor begins by asking Eddie, "What is five times five?"
"191," is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkin, "It's your turn. What is five times five?"
"Wednesday," replies Jenkin man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin it's your turn. What's five times five?"
"Twenty five," says Martin.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer?"
"Easy," says Martin, "just subtract 191 from Wednesday."

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Mechanic vs Doctor

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?'  The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan.  Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine.  I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one.  So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

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