Noah's Ark

My sister's eldest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his grandfather's knee and have stories read to him. 

One day after a story about Noah's ark, and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark, the little boy asked, ''Granddad, you are very old, were you in Noah's ark?"

''Gosh no'',  said Granddad. 

 "In that case, how come you didn't drown when the flood came?''

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Easy to Swollow

My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.

He had accidentally swallowed a 5 cent piece and was sure he was going to die. 

No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5 cent coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear.

Tommy, naturally, was delighted.  In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'

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Donkey Raffle

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.  The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
 
The following day the farmer rove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."
 
"Well then, just give me my money back."
 
"Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."
 
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
 
"What ya gonna do with em."
 
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
 
"Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"
 
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
 
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"
 
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't no one complain?"
 
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

Hey, maybe there's a lesson in Marketing here... but probably not.

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The Pastor & The Eggs

The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife to the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.

 
Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 45 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.
 
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
 
The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 45 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
 
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."

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The Optimist

A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all - he's walking on them.

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Never, Never Be Late!

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make
the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while
they waited:

‘I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I
thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered
my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by
the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents,
embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, and had taken illegal drugs.
I was appalled. But as the days went on,  I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people’.

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
‘I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician’. ‘In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession’.

Moral of this story?   Never, Never, Never Be Late!



Weekly Paycheck

For a lot of people, the weekly paycheck is 'take-home pay' because home is the only place they can afford to go with it.
Charles A Jaffe

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Redneck Logic

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decide to go to college.

Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and logic.

"What's logic?" says Bubba.

"Well, let me give you an example," says the professor. "Do you own a tractor?"

"Sure do," says Bubba.

"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard."

"That's real good," says Bubba, in awe.

"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"

"Gawly!” says Bubba.

"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?"

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?"

"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Cooter is waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin’?" says Cooter.

"Maths, history and logic," says Bubba.

"What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example," says Bubba. "Do you own a tractor?"

"No."

"Then you’re gay."

 

I Work For The IRS

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.

The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" 

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

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Last Chance For $1.25 Gas!

A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border, when he saw a large sign... "LAST CHANCE FOR $1.25 GAS!"

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"

The attendent replied, "$1.10".

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It's All About The GREEN Thing!

 In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
                            
That's right, they didn't have the green thing in her day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But she's right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.
                           
Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day.
                             
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a screen the size of the province of Alberta. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
                             
Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right, they didn't have the greenthing back then.
                            
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn't have the green thing back then.
                          
Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
                           
But that older lady is right. They didn't have the GREEN thing back in her day!

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The Coma

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
 
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

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The Accordion

An accordion player is driving home from a late night gig. Feeling tired, he pulls over for some coffee.

While waiting to pay, he remembers that he locked his car doors but left the accordion in plain view on the back seat of his car!

He rushes out only to discover that he's too late, the side window of his car has been smashed and somebody has thrown in two more accordions.

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50th Anniversary

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
 
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"
 
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
 
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
 
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

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Old Photos

Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints.
 
I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
 
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"

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Car Strangled Spanner

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions.

Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the US National Anthem. 

The bridge's traffic problem is notorious!  Among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.



Jar 47

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"

Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

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Pray for Japan

It's been a sad week for many Japanese people.  Today is Sunday.  Let's take a few minutes to remember and pray for that country. 

Click Here  for newly emerged footage that shows the force at which the tsunami hit a small fishing village in coastal Japan.

Resume/Career

Here's a type of resume/career direction you may want to avoid...

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it
.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So, I retired and I found I am perfect for the job!

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Mouseland

The following story was given to me by one of regular clients recently, while in for a haircut. It's absolutely awesome. I love this story. Thanks Gerry.

– A Political fable told by Tommy Douglas 1944

It's the story of a place called Mouseland. Mouseland was a place where all the little mice lived and played, were born and died. And they lived much the same as you and I do.

They even had a Parliament. And every four years they had an election. Used to walk to the polls and cast their ballots. Some of them even got a ride to the polls. And got a ride for the next four years afterwards too. Just like you and me. And every time on election day all the little mice used to go to the ballot box and they used to elect a government. A government made up of big, fat, black cats.

Now if you think it strange that mice should elect a government made up of cats, you just look at the history of Canada for last 90 years and maybe you'll see that they weren't any stupider than we are.

Now I'm not saying anything against the cats. They were nice fellows. They conducted their government with dignity. They passed good laws--that is, laws that were good for cats. But the laws that were good for cats weren't very good for mice. One of the laws said that mouseholes had to be big enough so a cat could get his paw in. Another law said that mice could only travel at certain speeds--so that a cat could get his breakfast without too much effort.

All the laws were good laws. For cats. But, oh, they were hard on the mice. And life was getting harder and harder. And when the mice couldn't put up with it any more, they decided something had to be done about it. So they went en masse to the polls. They voted the black cats out. They put in the white cats.

Now the white cats had put up a terrific campaign. They said: "All that Mouseland needs is more vision." They said: "The trouble with Mouseland is those round mouseholes we got. If you put us in we'll establish square mouseholes." And they did. And the square mouseholes were twice as big as the round mouseholes, and now the cat could get both his paws in. And life was tougher than ever.

And when they couldn't take that anymore, they voted the white cats out and put the black ones in again. Then they went back to the white cats. Then to the black cats. They even tried half black cats and half white cats. And they called that coalition. They even got one government made up of cats with spots on them: they were cats that tried to make a noise like a mouse but ate like a cat.

You see, my friends, the trouble wasn't with the colour of the cat. The trouble was that they were cats. And because they were cats, they naturally looked after cats instead of mice.

Presently there came along one little mouse who had an idea. My friends, watch out for the little fellow with an idea. And he said to the other mice, "Look fellows, why do we keep on electing a government made up of cats? Why don't we elect a government made up of mice?" "Oh," they said, "he's a Bolshevik. Lock him up!" So they put him in jail.

But I want to remind you: that you can lock up a mouse or a man but you can't lock up an idea.

The Moral of the Story "Mouseland" is a political fable, originally told by Clare Gillis, a friend of Tommy Douglas. Tommy has used this story many times to show in a humorous way how Canadians fail to recognize that neither the Liberals or Conservatives are truly interested in what matters to ordinary citizens; yet Canadians continue to vote for them.

The story cleverly deals with the false assumption by some people that CCF'ers (NDP'ers) are Communists. The ending shows Tommy Douglas has faith that someday socialism, which recognizes human rights and dignity, will win over capitalism and the mere pursuit of wealth and power.

...not someday soon, not in this country.  But you have to admit, it's a great story!  (Italics, mine.)

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The Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

 

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

 

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

 

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

 

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

 

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

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Picture That!

Larry always got a joke or a story to tell.  All he needs is an audience.  While cutting his hair today, I was it.    After his retirement about two years ago, he took a part time job at a local car wash here in town.  The 'little incident' you're about to read (no pun intended), would perhaps be to Larry... 'All in a day's work.'

"I like women who are plump... pleasantly plump.'' said Larry.  And as she drove into one of the car wash bays, he noticed the lady getting out of  her car was just that.  He thought the jeans she was wearing was, maybe just a little too tight.  And on both back cheek pockets were the letters "W.''   Not that, that was part of his job... to 'size up' people as they came in to wash their vehicles.  "Some things you just can't help but notice." he said.

A few minutes later he came back around the corner of the aforementioned bay, and she was now bent over,  washing underneath the back bumper.  With a slight glance to his left, he kept on walking, smiling to himself.  He said the only word that came to mind, at the very moment, was "WOW."       Picture that!

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Spell 'zilla'

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.
 
One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his
arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
 
“Look what I spelled, Mom!” with a proud smile on his face.
 
“That's wonderful!” his mom praised him. “Now go put them on the fridge so Dad
can see when he gets home tonight.”
 
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having
an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: “Mom? How do you spell ‘zilla’?”

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What Happened To The Sled

The teacher was warning the class about the dangers of going out in cold weather improperly dressed. 

"There was one boy," he said, "who was so eager to go out and play with his sled that he didn't put a coat or scarf on. He caught a chill, the chill led to pneumonia... and he died!"

The teacher paused to allow the moral of this story to sink in, when a small voice asked, "What happened to the sled?"

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Where's My Paper?

For all who are seniors...

For all of you who know seniors...

And for all of you who will be seniors...

It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are a senior!

''Where Is My Paper?''  The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

''Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday.''

There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

''So that's why no one was in church today.''

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On A Rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

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Receding Hair Line

What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?

... A receding hair line.

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Way To Heaven

The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”

“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

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Got Any Grapes?

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, “no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes and if you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your little duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says “No”!

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?”

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Blind Man's Dog

A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."

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