UP!

Thanks Keith.  I just couldn't resist posting this one. Hope you don't mind.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is...  'UP.'  It is listed in the  dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v]. It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky  or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we  wake UP?  At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do  we speak UP, and why are the  officers UP for  election and why is it UP to the secretary to  write UP a report? We call UP our friends,  brighten UP a room, polish UP the  silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.We  lock UP the house and  fix UP the old car.  At other times this little word has real special  meaning. People stir UP trouble,  line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.  To be dressed is one  thing but to be dressed UP is  special. And this UP is confusing:  A  drain must be opened UP because it is stopped  UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at  night. We seem to be pretty mixed  UP about UP !  To be  knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized  dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about  thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't giveUP, you may  wind UP with a hundred or  more.  When it threatens to rain, we say it is  clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it  soaks UP the  earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap  it UP, for now  ........my time is UP ! Oh....one more thing:  What is the first thing you  do in the morning & the last thing you do at  night?  U     P Did that one crack you UP? OK, now  I'll shut UP !!

You did WHAT?

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her
pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the
child innocently.

"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know, explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move."

Holy Water

Today is Sunday.  This quote is fitting... isn't it?

"For centuries, man has tried to perfect the making of ‘Holy Water.’  Finally we've succeeded.  A very simple procedure actually... Place water on a hot stove, and boil the 'Hell' out of it!"

Ron and I

Ron and I were born in the same little town back east.  We grew up together, went to the same school together, attended the same church and Sunday school, played together, and yes, we had a few fights along the way.  And after all the years that have since past, we are still the best of friends.

This week someone sent me the following quote...

"The best kind of friend is the kind you can set on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had."

That's Ron.

People are Watching!

This is a great story.  I think there's a lesson here for most of us...

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.  Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.  He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.  The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.  He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.  After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal affects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.  You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.  I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

The Lecture!

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and tobacco abuse on the human body.”
 
The policeman asks, “Really?
 
And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
 
The man replies “My wife”.

Will It Hurt Much, Doctor?

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

The Big Sissy

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice... 'The big sissy.'

Words of Marital Wisdom #2

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Alec Baldwin

Note:  Check Here for more 'Words of Marital Wisdom.'

Counterfeit

I thought today, I'd share something a little more serious than I have in the last few days.  Maybe some of us can relate... I know I can. 

When we get hurt by another person, we have a tendency not to trust in others.

In a relationship, if we get hurt by a woman or a man, then we tend not to trust women or men.  Especially if we get hurt more than once.

Many people will hurt you.  They are predators and actually enjoy causing pain.  Usually, they've been hurt themselves, and hurt people, hurt people.

It's kind of like money.

There are counterfeit money out there.  There are counterfeit or bad checks and stolen credit cards.

Once you've been burned with one bad check, you are skeptical about checks.  That's why some businesses simply don't take checks; they've been burned.

There are millions of dollars of counterfeit money floating around and one day, you might get some.

But there is also billions of dollars of genuine money floating around.  You don't throw ALL of the money away just because you got a few counterfeit bills do you?

No, you don't.

Then don't throw all of humanity away just because  you encountered a few counterfeits.

And remember, even with the genuine, most money is extremely dirty.  It has changed h ands many time (often dirty hands) and has been, who knows where.  Most money is just full of germs.

You don't throw away twenty dollars bills just because they've been through some rough times do you?

No, you don't.

Give people the same chance that you give money.

Inspect both well.  However, those with wisdom can recognize the real from the counterfeit or have tools to tell the difference.

Real and counterfeit, they are BOTH out there.

Don't shut out the real, and don't get taken by the counterfeit.

Pretty Dress

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

That's Ned!

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon for lunch.  Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal.

Ned goes up to to order and the cashier greets him with, "Hello Ned!  How are you?  Hey everybody! Ned's here!"

Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned.

After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down to eat.

"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill.

"I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.

"Now Ned," says Bill, "you're pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."

"Oh yeah," Ned replies, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"

"That so?" answers Bill.

"How about the President of the United States?"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House.  The President answers, "Ned!  How are you doing?  I haven't seen you in ages!"

The three go play a round of golf and then leave.

"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand  says you're not friends with the Queen of England!"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

They fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen.  "Hello Ned my boy!  What have you been up to these day?"  They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.

Frustrated, Bill says,  "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"

Ned says, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and he will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope.  After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak.

When the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him.  Ned looks down from the balcony and sees Bill passed out on the ground.

He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Bill! Bill! Wake up!"

Bill opens his eyes and says,  "Ned, you're the most popular man in the world."

"I told you that, Bill," says Ned. But you didn't faint when I knew the President and you didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"I could almost take it that you knew the Pope," says Bill.

"But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Who's that up there with Ned?"

The Riddle

Jack Layton (NDP) met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me in case I form the next government?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Layton frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent? "

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

"The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not  your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered,  "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Layton went back home to ask Mike Ignatief, his cohort.

Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.  It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Iggy. "Let me get back to you  on that one.."

He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally,  he ended up in the men's room and recognized Steven Harpers shoes in the next stall.

Iggy asked Harper, "Steve, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Harper yelled back, "That's easy you dummy, it's me!"

Iggy smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Layton. 

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Steven Harper."

Layton got mad and yelled "No you idiot, it is not. It is Tony Blair!"

Bad Day For Santa!

With Christmas just around the corner and a lot of people beginning to get into the festive mood, I thought a little christmas story might be in order... please keep in mind, some of these stories are "UnCut" :>)

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank
all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice
had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

Words of Marital Wisdom

This is the first in a series, so be sure to stay tuned for more "Words of Marital Wisdom" in the near future...

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

George W. Bush

I'll have to Smack You!

Growing up in a small town in Newfoundland, I was told, as a child, that I had a way of breaking the tension, when Dad...  'Had Enough!'

The following scenario would be me, about five minutes after being sent to bed for the night.

"Da-ad..."

"What!"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out!"

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad…"

"WHAT!"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll come up there and give you a smack!"

Again five minutes later: "Daaaa-aaaad…"

"WHAT!"

"When you come up to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"

When U Black, U Black

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor.  And creativity!!!

When I was born, I was BLACK,

When I grew up, I was BLACK ,

When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,

When I got cold, I was BLACK ,

When I was scared, I was BLACK ,

When I was sick, I was BLACK ,

And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .

NOW, You 'white' folks....

When you're born, you're PINK,

When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,

When you go in the sun, you get RED,

When you're cold, you turn BLUE,

When you're scared, you're YELLOW,

When you get sick, you're GREEN

When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,

And when you die, you look GRAY.

So who y'all be callin'

COLORED Folks?

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a

bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and

begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008

Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year

is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They

will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's

really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him

in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks:

"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Missing Memory!

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the clinic, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.  After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.  The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top.  You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top.  I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down!  I can remember that."  He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. 

She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily,  "I TOLD you to write it down!  You forgot my toast!"

The Prospective Teacher

The following was handed to me the other day.  I think it's worth a read.  Check it out...

After being interviewed by the  school administration, the prospective teacher  said: 
 
'Let me see if  I've got this right.

 'You want me to  go into that room with all those kids, correct their  disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor  their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill  in them a love for learning. 
 
'You want me to  check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and  sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self  esteem and personal pride.  

'You want me to  teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and  fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook,  and apply for a job.  

'You want me to  check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial  behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final  exams.

'You  also want me to provide them with an equal education  regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with  their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by  letter, telephone, newsletter, and report  card.  

'You want me to  do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin  board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that  qualifies me for food stamps. 
 
'You want me to  do all this and then you tell me. . . I CAN'T PRAY?    

The Pope!

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio..

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'  

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 'Well,' said the Chief, ' who is it? '

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

The Farmer

A man owned a small farm near Witmore, Montana .

The IRS claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an Inspector out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the Inspector.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $10.00 per hour plus free room and board.

The housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her the minimum wage of $6.80 per hour plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Scotch every Saturday night. Oh, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the Inspector.

"That would be me," replied the farmer...

Bible and a Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father 
if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. 
              
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little,
get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." 
              
The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. 
              
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut." 
              
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad,I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair. 
      
And his father replied,  "Did you  notice they all walked everywhere they went. 

Never Late!

Gordon has been flying planes, since 1947.  And I'm sure he has many stories to tell.  Hopefully I'll get to share a few here, in the future. 

While cutting his hair today he told me, their motto for years, while flying was...  "We're never late, no matter how long it takes!"

I love quotable quotes. 

Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.