Could ANYONE Be This Uninformed?

An 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

 

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..."

  

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, "CapeCod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa ..."  His response --- click.

 

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

  

He replied, "Don't lie to me!  I looked it up on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!"  (OMG!)

 

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada ?"

  

I said, "No."

  

She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)

 

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  I pulled up the reservation and noticed he only had a 1-hour layover in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he replied, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh!)

 

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

  

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that. (Must be blonde!)

 

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"  I said, "No . . . why do you ask?"

  

He replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.  I think that's very rude!"

  

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it, (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

 

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

 

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"

  

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

 

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.  Do I      have to get on one of those little computer planes?"

  

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.  She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

 

11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.  "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

  

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.  When I told her this she said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

 

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."

  

I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

  

"Yes, what flights do you have?", replied the man.

  

After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."

  

The man retorted, "Oh, don't be silly!  Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!"

  

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

  

The reply?  "Whatever!  I knew it was a big animal."

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE Be This Uninformed?
 

 

A Little IRISH Humour

One morning, three Irishmen and three Englishmen were in a ticket

counter queue at a train station. The three Englishmen each bought a
ticket and watched as the three Irishmen bought just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked
one of the Englishmen.

'Be watchin and a learnin,' answered one of the Irishmen.

All six boarded the train where the three Englishmen sat down, but the
three Irishmen crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
tickets.
He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please.'

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in
hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Englishmen saw this
happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they
decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single
ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment,
the three Irishmen didn't buy even one ticket !

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked a perplexed
Englishman. 'Be watchin and a learnin,' answered the three Irish boys in
unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Englishmen crammed themselves
into a toilet and the three Irishmen crammed into another toilet just
down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the
Irishmen left the toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the
Englishmen were hiding.

The Irishman knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'


Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the
ark, and professionals built the Titanic.

Power Outage

We had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, Pad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

 I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I  sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

Catching Pigs

There was a chemistry professor in a large college that had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab, the professor noticed one young man, an exchange student, who kept rubbing his back and stretching as if his back hurt. The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist regime.

In the midst of his story, he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked: "Do you know how to catch wild pigs?"

The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line.

The young man said that it was no joke. "You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come every day to eat the free corn.

"When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side. "The pigs, which are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat that free corn again. You then slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd. Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity."

The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening in America. The government keeps pushing us toward Communism/Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tax exemptions, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc., while we continually lose our freedoms, just a little at a time.
 
But, God help us all when the gate slams shut!

Giving When It Counts

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.  

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient..

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.  The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. 

The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

Gender Roles

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.  She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.  Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN.

Liberal Paradise

"A liberal paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns. 

Believe it or not, such a place does, indeed, exist:   It's called . . .  prison."

Sheriff Joe Arpaio
Maricopa County Sheriff's Office

Murphy's Other 15 Laws

Ready?  Here we go...


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Twelve Items

I was in the 'maximum twelve item' express lane at the grocery store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which twelve items would you like to buy?"

(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)

To Pay or Not to Pay?

Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees.

The student struck a deal saying, “I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court.”

Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days.

Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.

The teacher put forward his argument saying, “If I win this case,as per the court of law, the student has to pay me as the case is about his non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money.”

Equally brilliant student argued back saying, “If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don’t have to pay anything to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, I don’t have to pay him because I haven’t won my first case yet, So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything.”

This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history.