Christmas Shopping

Well, it is 'that' time of the year again...

A mother and a daughter are Christmas shopping in the mall, when
the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.

"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present
instead of making you and dad shop for me."

The daughter nods in agreement before the mother continues.

"And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

"But mom," the daughter protests, "Some helpless, poor creature
has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," replies the mother, "Your father won't get
the bill for a couple of weeks."

Lunch With The Girls

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids. 

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol. 

10 years later , the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discounts.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible. 

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.

Ticket Please

Ever have a situation like this happen?

As the railroad conductor entered our car, my friend discovered he had left his ticket at home.

Trying to joke his way out of the awkward situation, my friend told the conductor, “I’m not a dishonest guy. Look, my face is my ticket.”

The conductor didn’t miss a beat.

“And my duty, sir” he said, “is to punch every ticket.”

Newfie E.I.

Gotta love the Newfies!

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. 

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitchery. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs." The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter." Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty Stitcher's are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"

Deer Season

Check List Complete:

I scouted the area all summer... 

I searched out the best location for my tree-stand... 

I set it all up a month ahead of time... 

I trailed the herd... 

I picked out a trophy buck... 

Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt... 

Everything was in place... 

Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am... 

I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand... 

This was destined to be an epic hunt... 

As I approached my deer stand...

I changed my mind, decided to go to church instead.

Post Turtles

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old rancher said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

The Prospector

Although very few people know this about Brian,  he comes from a family of poets.  While cutting his hair today he informed me that his dad wrote a lot of poetry in his day.  Nothing ever got published,  he said.   As a matter of fact, very few family members have actually ever seen much of his writings.  

But I did manage to persuade Brian to dictate the following poem to me today,  that he wrote himself about his dad, when he was about ten years old.  

This could possibly be the first time this poem has ever been printed...

The Prospector

　

With practiced ease he lifted his pack

And settled it upon his pony's back

Lifting his hat and scratching his head

Checkin’ over his load he said,

Flour, salt, beans and a slab of bacon,

Grub and a bed

That’s all I’m a’ takin’

I’m goin’ way back to the valley below

Where the second blow

Will open her up and the vain will show

Now not much to show for his fifty odd years

With the ropes of his pony

Held in his hand

  The Prospector pulled for the promise land

Cooking With Wine

My wife works part time.  And me, will I work fulltime... for now.  About a week ago, she was at work all day, and it was my day off.  So I decided to cook dinner, which is not something I do will. 

I thought I'd do something a little different.  I decided to cook with wine.  After about three glasses, I couldn't remember what I was in the kitchen for.

We had take out... she picked it up!

It Only Went 'CLICK'

This was a story taken from the Houston Hearld...

Last Thursday Night Around midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas
Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A
Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse.

The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The
Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions.

The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About
15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work..
I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe.....

I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In
My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.

All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left.
As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse.

I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped
Tightly Around My Pistol.

The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk! You're
Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips."

I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away
From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!

When Asked By The Arraignment Judge, "Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?

The Woman Replied Under Oath,
"Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th Time, It Only Went Click."

The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges.
And She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe, The Next Day!

Now that's Gun Control...

Toilet Seat

Maryland police say a man became stuck to a Walmart store toilet seat after someone spread glue on it.

 

It happened Thursday evening at a store in Elkton. Officials refused to say how long the man was stuck before he was able to get help.

Police say emergency workers removed the seat from the toilet and took the man out with seat still attached to him. 

The seat was removed at the emergency room at Union Hospital.

Police say the incident is a second-degree assault case that may have been a random prank the night before April Fool's Day.  

Or if the culprit is caught, he will be charged with a 'Number Two Misdemeanor.'

The Raise

Here's one of my favourite Employee/Boss stories.  Enjoy...

Employee:
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss:
Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?

Employee:
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss:
Yes.

Employee:
I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss:
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee:
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade...

Boss:
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain,
I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?

Employee:
Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!

Boss:
Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

Employee:
Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

To Pee Or Not To Pee

I have a job. I work, they pay me. 

I pay my taxes & the government  distributes my taxes as it sees fit. 

In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test
(with which I have no problem). 

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.    

  

So, here is my question:  Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check
because I have to pass one to earn it for them? 

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.

I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT doing drugs ...while I work.

Can you imagine how much money each province or state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could call the program... "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"! 

She's My Wife

A few months ago my wife (Brenda) and I went to Mexico for the first time.  She wasn't overly excited about going, especially with all the stories we'd heard.

We flew out of Calgary.  Got through security without incident, except, I got beeped going through the security scanner.  Had to remove my belt… my pants fell down over my knees, but other than that, everything was good… just kidding!

Brenda got a little emotional as we boarded the plane.  She said to me, “Don’t you dare leave my side… if I had handcuffs I’d handcuff you to me.”  

Upon entering the Plane the flight attendant said to me, “You’re in the next seat to the lady.  And I said, “Yeah, and she said only seconds ago, that if we had handcuffs, she’d handcuff me to her!” 

One of the the flight attendants said, somewhat surprised, “Really?” 

While the other said, somewhat concerned, “Is that a good thing?”  

“Oh yeah, it’s all good!” I said. “She’s my wife.”

Click  Here  to see a few pics of our trip.

Watch It

I try to read something everyday.  While browsing through some material recently, I came across the following, and thought it was worth posting here.  Think about this...

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

I Hate Cards

I had a Father's Day Card from my son today who lives out of province.  He knows the kind of cards I like and dislike. So he sent me one that he knew would make me laugh, and it did.

Here's what it said...

Dad, growing up, 

we were sometimes a little difficult, 

a little stubborn

and acted like we knew it all... 

but there was a good reason for that. 

"HEREDITY." 

 Happy Father's Day!

That's my son.

Quotes For Today

As most of you know I love great quotes... here's a few more.

* Do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest.

* If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do, is Wake Up!

* The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything.

* In 20 years you will be more disappointed in what you didn't do, than by what you did do.

Have a Great Day!

Sunday Morning

                                                              
                                                                    One Sunday morning

a pastor decided to do something a little different. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'  Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..' He then hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.' The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.' The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'

Retarded Grandparents

This was actually reported by a teacher...

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. 

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.  At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!  Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.  And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.  The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.  Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

I'm Retired

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a  rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!

  

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and  is fat

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 8 months. 

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. 

I'm retired. Go around me.

Gonna Be A Bear

My sister-in-law sent me this little story a couple of days ago.  I couldn't resist...

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd Like to come back as a bear.

When your a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, your suppose to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When your a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while your sleeping and wake up to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definatley deal with that.

If your a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. you swat away anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

YUP, GONNA BE A BEAR

The Sun

The sun benefits us in a number of ways. 

The sun delivers heat, raising core body temperature. Higher core body temperatures facilitate increased cell function and higher energy. This increases our detoxification and purification systems. 

Sun also regulates our natural biorhythm cycles. Boosted core temperatures increase cortisol levels during the day, ushering more relaxation and deeper sleep during the night.

So last night, I stayed up all night to see where the sun actually went. Than it dawned on me.

Ringo

When I tuned 10, we got a dog.  Not sure if it was for me necessarily, but that year the family decided we’d should have one.

He wasn’t any particular breed… just your basic heinz 57.  He was mostly black in color, with the exception of white paws and a white patch between his eyes.  We named him Ringo.

He grew up to be a beautiful looking dog. Big and solid, and very friendly.

The only problem was, he would never stay home.  Unless, of course he was chained up.  Which I don’t think any dog should have to live that way.

Ringo had a very ‘odd’ weakness.  When he’d leave our property, to go and check out the neighborhood, he couldn’t resist, clothes lines.  The first clothes line he’d see, with any kind of clothes hanging on it, he had to rip something off it. We saw him dragging home blankets, towels, long johns, shirts, you name it.

When I think back on that era of my life, I wonder if it was Ringo’s way of helping out.  Shopping for the family, so to speak.  None of the garments were ever used by us, and I’m sure most were returned, if they were in fact worth returning, and if we knew where it may have come from.  Yes, the town was so small, you got to know the color of some people’s underwear.

When the complaints started from the neighbours, we knew we had to do something.  I built him a house, and we had to tie him up permanently.  He hated it!  And because of that, he would bark non stop, day and night.  More complaints came in.

Suddenly, one night the barking stopped.   When I checked on him the next morning he was gone. Somehow he twisted off his chain during the night, and no doubt made a mad dash, for freedom.


We never saw Ringo after that night.  He may have ripped off his last pair of long johns, but he never lived to bring them home.

Today I believe Ringo is in doggy heaven, completely surrounded by clothes lines!

Stay Away From Hospital

These are sentences exactly as typed by British National Health Service medical secretaries:

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

"For the sake of your health - stay away from hospital"

Running Away

While cutting his hair this week, Bob was telling me that he recently visited his daughter Loraine and two grandsons in Vancouver.  Loraine was telling him about a week earlier the boys were very upset with her, and told her they were running away from home. 

They were raised in a very strict, well displined home.  One of the things that was drilled into them, he said at a very young age was, never cross the street.

That afternoon mom helped the boys pack their things for the trip and sent them on their way.

Without showing her true feelings, she reluctantly watched them as they walked out of the driveway, turned the corner, and was out of site. 

About twenty minutes later, their dad was driving home from work, and saw the boys sitting on the curb, less than a block away from their house.  He stopped and asked them what they were doing here.  They said, they were running away from home.  "Well how come you're just sitting here on this curb,"  he wanted to know.  "Cause we're not allowed to cross the street... Remember?"

Leave it to kids to always say... "the darndest things."

Secret To A Long Marriage

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
 

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

Absolutely Dead Brilliant!

An Obituary printed in the London Times... LONDON: February 7, 2012

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,  who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were  long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend  more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for  kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing  the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a  student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became  businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from  a burglar in your own home and the
burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed  to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, launched a lawsuit and was  promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his Funeral because so few realized he was gone.

An Eye Opener

A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. 

The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man." 

The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat." 

After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class." 

About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class."

Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." 

Passengers  in  the seats nearby began an immediate applause, while some gave a standing ovation.

Sadly, racism is still with us.

Senior Driving

 This will never happen to one of us... right?

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, ''Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!''

''Heck,'' said Herman, ''It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!''

The Sneeze

This is a true story.  It happened at Eastern Shore District High School in Musquodoboit Harbour, Nova Scotia.

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as they felt.

Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.

This class would NOT pray during the commencements, not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.

The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.

The speeches were nice, but they were routine until the final speech received a standing ovation.

A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened.

All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED !!!!

The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said,

'GOD BLESS YOU'

And he walked off the stage...

The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.

Big Trouble

There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.
 
Hearing about a pastor nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the pastor to talk with the boys and he agreed.
 
The mother went to the pastor and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger boy to the pastor.
 
The pastor sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the pastor pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?"
 
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing. Again, louder, the pastor pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
 
Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the pastor leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is God?"
 
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."
 
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'
 
His brother replied, "I'm telling' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is missing and they think we did it!"

Quotes For Today...

Dream more while you
are awake!

Smile and laugh more.

Life is too short to waste it

by hating someone.

Don’t take yourself too
seriously – no one else
does!

Stella Awards - 2011

It's time again for the Annual 'Stella Awards' !

For those unfamiliar with these Awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the United States.

Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2011

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.
The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman,19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses from a jury when he sued his neighbor who had run over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the same neighbor's hubcaps.

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania , was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson had pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming Undue Mental Anguish !Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania - A jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone.
The reason the soft drink was on the floor? Ms.Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 plus dental expenses. Go figure.

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.

On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owners manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

The Guard Dog!

 Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts
of this owner to sell her dog.   Look at the picture and then
read the sales pitch below...

Dog For Sale 

FREE  to good home. 

Excellent Guard Dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, 

as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, 

murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood 

for him to eat.  

Most of them knew "Jethro," only

by his Chinese Street name: "Ho Lee Schitt."

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

We've all heard that a picture is worth a thousand words.  Well I think the photos below are worth about two thousand...

My buddy Randy... first day at the boat launch.

Put the kettle on... let's have a cup a' tea.

Nothing like a relaxing bike ride, on a sunny day.

Somehow, today I no longer feel quite so stupid!

Mouseland

I ran a copy of this story some  months ago.  Recently one  of my clients mentioned that he was looking for it on my blog, but couldn't find it.  So today I dug it up and thought I'd run it again.  Enjoy... it's a great story.

– A Political fable told by Tommy Douglas 1944

It's the story of a place called Mouseland. Mouseland was a place where all the little mice lived and played, were born and died. And they lived much the same as you and I do.

They even had a Parliament. And every four years they had an election. Used to walk to the polls and cast their ballots. Some of them even got a ride to the polls. And got a ride for the next four years afterwards too. Just like you and me. And every time on election day all the little mice used to go to the ballot box and they used to elect a government. A government made up of big, fat, black cats.

Now if you think it strange that mice should elect a government made up of cats, you just look at the history of Canada for last 90 years and maybe you'll see that they weren't any stupider than we are.

Now I'm not saying anything against the cats. They were nice fellows. They conducted their government with dignity. They passed good laws--that is, laws that were good for cats. But the laws that were good for cats weren't very good for mice. One of the laws said that mouseholes had to be big enough so a cat could get his paw in. Another law said that mice could only travel at certain speeds--so that a cat could get his breakfast without too much effort.

All the laws were good laws. For cats. But, oh, they were hard on the mice. And life was getting harder and harder. And when the mice couldn't put up with it any more, they decided something had to be done about it. So they went en masse to the polls. They voted the black cats out. They put in the white cats.

Now the white cats had put up a terrific campaign. They said: "All that Mouseland needs is more vision." They said: "The trouble with Mouseland is those round mouseholes we got. If you put us in we'll establish square mouseholes." And they did. And the square mouseholes were twice as big as the round mouseholes, and now the cat could get both his paws in. And life was tougher than ever.

And when they couldn't take that anymore, they voted the white cats out and put the black ones in again. Then they went back to the white cats. Then to the black cats. They even tried half black cats and half white cats. And they called that coalition. They even got one government made up of cats with spots on them: they were cats that tried to make a noise like a mouse but ate like a cat.

You see, my friends, the trouble wasn't with the colour of the cat. The trouble was that they were cats. And because they were cats, they naturally looked after cats instead of mice.

Presently there came along one little mouse who had an idea. My friends, watch out for the little fellow with an idea. And he said to the other mice, "Look fellows, why do we keep on electing a government made up of cats? Why don't we elect a government made up of mice?" "Oh," they said, "he's a Bolshevik. Lock him up!" So they put him in jail.

But I want to remind you: that you can lock up a mouse or a man but you can't lock up an idea.

The Moral of the Story "Mouseland" is a political fable, originally told by Clare Gillis, a friend of Tommy Douglas. Tommy has used this story many times to show in a humorous way how Canadians fail to recognize that neither the Liberals or Conservatives are truly interested in what matters to ordinary citizens; yet Canadians continue to vote for them.

The story cleverly deals with the false assumption by some people that CCF'ers (NDP'ers) are Communists. The ending shows Tommy Douglas has faith that someday socialism, which recognizes human rights and dignity, will win over capitalism and the mere pursuit of wealth and power.

...not someday soon, not in this country.  But you have to admit, it's a great story!  (Italics, mine.)

Different Drug Problem

My son sent me this a little while ago.  Not sure if he was trying to tell me something, or if it was the recent telephone conversation we had.  Anyway, I thought today it would be worthy of an blog entry...

Hope you can read it ok.

The Kind Hearted Scotsman!

You gotta love a Scotsman...
 

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last  night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked.  

"Incredible!"  I said.
 

Being the nice guy I am, I thought,  "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
 

So we walked past it again!

Another SENIOR Moment!

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car.

Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. 

As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
 

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice, "Ken," she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"

Destiny

Here's something with a little different twist...

Do you feel confused, lost, no sense of purpose, full of life questions?  Listen, a person, no matter how you got to where you are, can find your destiny on the very road you took to avoid it!

Think about that for awhile...

Friday The 13th

 




  

I drive a '92 Chevy half ton.  Yes, it's an old truck now, but very reliable.  Been driving it for about seven years, trouble free.  It's basically just our back up system.  My wife drives the '09 Malibu. 

But today, for the first time ever, I turned the key to fire it up, and you guessed it... nothing, dead, not even a click.  Friday the 13th?

No, not for a second do I believe that nonsense. Just coincidence.

Friday the 13th is possibly 'the most widespread superstition' out there. There's no question about that. 

In the US alone, it is estimated that $800 million to $900 million is lost in business every Friday the 13th, because of fears of the doomed day.  Some people and companies, just won't do business deals on that day.  Can you believe that?

But is there really a reason to be so uneasy or even fearful about something that might happen on a day that's technically just like any other? Of course not.   You can pick out any date on the calendar or any day in history and find some weird stuff that’s happened.

Many people think that Friday the 13th is either a good luck day or a day where people tend to have bad luck. It depends who you are but, nothing particular happens on Friday the 13th.  

Today could have been Tuesday the 13th, and my truck still would not have started.  And does anybody even care?  I doubt it.

Anyway, don't be 'Afraid'... to have a nice day.

New Year, New Look

WOW!  It's 2012 already!  How time flies.  And it flies whether you're having fun or not, right?  Well for me... I'm always having fun.  

Today I thought  a little change here, would be in order.  Nothing major. My new readers, of course won't know what I'm talking about.  But for all my 'millions' of previous blog readers, you will notice a little change in the background, of this blog.  Hope you like it.

That's about the only change I'm making this year, except I should mention that I just published my first book.  It's basically based on some of the stories from this blog.  And no, I don't expect to make a fortune from it, or that it will eventually end up on the bestseller list.

What I am doing though is this... I'm giving the proceeds from the sale of the book to the Kanjunji Orphanage Fund in Africa.  

A friend of ours, went to Africa about five years and started the orphanage himself.  Through personal fundraisers, contributions, and much sweat, Gord and his wife Linda are completely sold out to this mission.  Just this past year, they sold their house, and they plan to move to Africa full time next year.  So I thought, this could be my way of giving to the cause.  It may not be much, but like Gord has often said, "A dollar will go a long way in Africa."

If you would like to contribute, simply click the 'Buy Now Lulu' icon at the upper right of this page, make your purchase, and be blessed.  Or contact me at, shawnh54@gmail.com and I'll personally send you a copy.

Let's make 2012 a year to remember!  And have FUN doing it...