To Pay or Not to Pay?

Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees.

The student struck a deal saying, “I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court.”

Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days.

Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.

The teacher put forward his argument saying, “If I win this case,as per the court of law, the student has to pay me as the case is about his non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money.”

Equally brilliant student argued back saying, “If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don’t have to pay anything to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, I don’t have to pay him because I haven’t won my first case yet, So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything.”

This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history.

My Dog

This one is especially for all you Canadian readers out there.

I Just Realized Something:

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing ~ and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me …

MY dog is a SENATOR!

The Atheist Teacher

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I’m not an atheist.”

Then, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a Christian.”

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

“Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian.”

The teacher is now angry, “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

She paused, and smiled. “Then,” says Lucy, “I’d be an atheist.”

Hold My Hand

“A little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter: "Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river."

The little girl said: "No, Dad. You hold my hand."

"What's the difference?" Asked the puzzled father.

"There's a big difference," replied the little girl.

"If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go."

In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. So hold the hand of the person whom you love rather than expecting them to hold yours...”

-- Unknown

Religious Squirrel

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied. 

The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Clever Kiwi

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter..

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

 "Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

Widdle Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a Petsmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”

Free Ride

A mother asked her young son, as they waited for the bus, to tell the driver he was 5 years old, because then he would ride for free.

As they got into the bus the driver asked him how old he was.

“I am 5 years old,” said the little boy proudly.

The driver had a son of his own that age, and smiled, “And when will you be 6 years old?` he asked.

“When I get off the bus,” answered the boy.

The Stop Sign

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. 

He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. 

The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, “What for?” 

The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” 

The lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.” 

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the sheriff impatiently. 

The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.” 

The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.” 

The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

 The sheriff says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

Local Brothel Sues Church Over Lighting Strike

MT. VERNON, TEXAS …

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church across the street started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground.

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
 

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

 

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
 

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented:

 

"I don't know how the heck I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all BS."

Zapped

For part of his earlier years,  Phil was a veterinarian.  While cutting his hair a couple of weeks ago he was telling me about an incident that happened to him during that time.

It was during calving season and he had a call from a farmer who was having a problem with one of his cows giving birth. 

After he arrived and had assessed the situation, he knew what he had to do.  He pulled out a pair of clippers from his case and trimmed around the back end of the cow.  But before he had finished prepping, the clipper had quit working.  He shook them a little, wiggled the cord, but still nothing.  He discarded them on the ground and noticed that there was bare wire exposed half way down the cord.  It must have shorted out, he thought.  

Giving his full attention now to the poor mother trying to give birth, he shoved his right arm up inside the cow, and pulled the calf out.  It wasn't breathing.  He cleared the throat and mouth as best he could.  He tried helping it stand.  But it appeared the little guy wasn't going to make it.  It fell over and hit the ground.  But as it did, it landed on the exposed wire of Phil's clipper, which was still plugged into the power outlet.  Instantly the calf was shocked back to life.  It was exactly what it needed and in exactly the right time.  It was running around within seconds.

A little unconventional maybe... but accidents do and can sometimes happen, for good reason.

Did You Know?

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years .

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end .

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450 F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

BS UnCut... the books

First of all I want to thank all my readers from all over the world, who actually come here and read my blog.  For you, I have but one question... Why?  But thank you so much.  I really do appreciate it.

Today is a special day for me. It's the unofficial launch of my new website, 
BS Uncut... the books 

BS UnCut Volume I,  published in 2012.
BS Uncut  Volume II,  published in 2013.  (Available in about two weeks)

Feel free to pop over and take a look.  Especially take a peek at the 'Shop Pics' page.

Yes I've been busy, outside the day job.  But it's all good.

Have a great day.  

I'll be back!

The Great American Novel

by Larry Norman

I was born and raised an orphan in a land that once was free

In a land that poured its love out on the moon;

and I grew up in the shadows of your silos filled with grain,

but you never helped to fill my empty spoon.

And when I was ten you murdered law with courtroom politics,

And you learned to make a lie sound just like truth;

But I know you better now and I don't fall for all your tricks,

And you've lost the one advantage of my youth.

 

 

You kill a black man at midnight just for talking to your daughter,
Then you make his wife your mistress and you leave her without water;
And the sheet you wear upon your face is the sheet your children sleep on,
At every meal you say a prayer; you don't believe but still you keep on.

And your money says in God we trust,
But it's against the law to pray in school;
You say we beat the Russians to the moon,
And I say you starved your children to do it.

You are far across the ocean but the war is not your own,
And while you're winning theirs, you're gonna lose the one at home;
Do you really think the only way to bring about the peace
Is to sacrifice your children and kill all your enemies?

The politicians all make speeches while the news men all take note,
And they exaggerate the issues as they shove them down our throats;
Is it really up to them whether this country sinks or floats?
Well I wonder who would lead us if none of us would vote.

Well my phone is tapped and my lips are chapped from whispering through the fence,
You know every move I make, or is that just coincidence?
Well you try to make my way of life a little less like jail,
If I promise to make tapes and slides and send them through the mail

And your money says in God we trust,
But it's against the law to pray in school;
You say we beat the Russians to the moon,
And I say you starved your children to do it.
You say all men are equal, all men are brothers,
Then why are the rich more equal than others?
Don't ask me for the answer, I've only got one:
That a man leaves his darkness when he follows the Son.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

This song was written nearly forty years ago.  I was listening to it in the 70's and thought even then it was very relevant for the day.  This past weekend I heard it again (for the first time).  And I thought "Wow, forty years later, and some of those lyrics can still hit us right here at home."

 

Larry Norman was very controversial in his day, but the lyrics to most of his songs hit the nail right on the head.  This was just one of them.

 

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines

Some jokes hit me hard.  This one had me in tears... laughing that is.  Be sure to read it through first, before reading the last line...

 

 

Dear Ma and Pa,

 

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late.. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

 

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

 

The sergeant is like a school teacher.  He nags a lot.  The Captain is like the school board.  Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown.  The don't bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

 
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.  I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.  I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
 
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get on to this setup and come stampeding in...


 

 

 

 

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Trick Riding Miracle

Yesterday I visited my sister and brother-in-law Arch, for the afternoon.  He told me he had two new horses.  So I had to go and have a look.

I'm not a horse person.  But I have to admit his horses do look nice.  Especially in pictures.  Just kidding.

Yesterday I was reminded of a few years ago, when I did have my first ride on a horse.  One that I won't soon forget I might add.

It was a beautiful summer day in July.  We were invited out to friends of my sister and Arch's.  They were already there when we arrived.  Rodger's place was about a forty acre countryside spread, just outside the city of Edmonton.

After visiting for a while, they decided, the 'guys' should go for a horseback ride.  Three of the horses were immediately saddled up.  And we were ready to go.

Unbeknown to Rodger or Arch, (who by the way were experienced horsemen...they both grew up around horses and had been riding for years) this was my first time I'd ever sat in a saddle.  But I figured, 'Hey, if they can do it, I can do it.'  Ooohh, was I wrong.

It started off fine.  We were gingerly trotting down a back country dirt road, just checking out the scenery, as I thought to myself... 'This is easy enough.'   Rodger and Arch were in the lead, side by side, chatting back and forth to each other.  And me, I was right behind them.
 
Then it happened!  I saw Arch give Rodger the 'nod.'  And the three horses took off as if we'd been shot out of a cannon.  Instantly my foot came out of the left stirrup and I found myself hanging upside down with my right foot still in the right stirrup, looking up at the belly of  my horse.  And luckily I still had the reins in my hands.  With my head only inches away from the ground and the horses hooves, I knew I had to hang on, somehow.  And by some miracle, I did.

The next thing I knew, I was somewhat upright again, but totally out of control of the horse, who was still keeping up with the other two in spite of our dilemma.

Nobody told me, you had to kinda stand in the stirrups when your horse went into a gallop.  At this time my biggest concern was just getting back in the saddle, where I thought it would be a lot safer.  But as soon as I did manage to upright myself enough to finally find the saddle, my rear end only touched that thing for about a half a second, and I went flying again!

This time it was out over the front of the horse!  I held part of the reins in my left hand and with my right hand I grabbed the mane of the horse, as I flew through the air.  And we were still moving at what appeared to me, about 120 mph down that gravel road. 

I do believe in prayer and I prayed more in that short time, than I probably have in all my prayer time since.  And I did survive that horrible ordeal that day.  It must have been my guardian angel that lifted me back in that saddle.  Because the next thing I remember, the horses had all come to a stop and  I was back in the saddle where I should have been in the first place.  A little disheveled, yes, but no broken limbs, bruises or even a scratch.

The other two riders never knew what had happened behind them that afternoon.  But for me that ride will be forever itched in my memory..  It was my first and last horseback ride.  I have never gotten back in a saddle again.

Porn Roast

Today, Tom and Myrtle are both in their mid seventies.  Still very active and always on the go.

During his haircut yesterday, Tom was telling me that one of the grand kids gave Myrtle a new cell phone for her birthday a couple of weeks ago.

As expected, he said, it was going to take some time for her  to get use to the new technology and all the functions that were available to her, on her new phone. 

Last week he said they were driving to the city for an afternoon of shopping.  With Myrtle in the passenger seat and her cell phone in her hand, she decided to do a Google search on pork recipes, since she had planned to have some sort of pork roast supper that evening. 

She commenced to type in the word 'PORK.'  And as she did, she accidently hit the 'N' button for the 'K.'  And what appeared in front of her instantly made her scream.  "WHAT IS THIS?"  "HOW DO I GET RID OF THIS?"  And of course by now, Tom is also yelling... "WHAT, WHAT IS IT?"  "HERE, LET ME SEE!" as he barely missed hitting a parked car.  She had typed in the word 'PORN' instead of 'PORK.'  The screen was covered with very explicit pictures, like nothing she'd ever seen before, or ever wanted to see again.   

That evening pork roast left a different taste in their mouths.  Even though the recipe hadn't changed.

And from that day on, Tom said Myrtle was very careful while doing any Google search, making sure all words were spelled correctly, before hitting the 'Enter' button.
. 

Close Shave

Did you hear about the man who decides to drop in the local Barbershop for a shave.  While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.  

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.  "Just place this between your cheek and gum."  

The man places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.  After a few strokes the client asks, "What if I swallow it?"
 "No problem," says the barber.  "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

www.shawnhenstridge.com



Fractions!

August 18, 2013.  It's amazing how fast our lives can change.  Actually within a second. 

I was talking to my very best friend tonight, who lives in St. John's, Newfoundland. 

He told me about a week ago he was at his cabin, trimming a couple of windows that he hadn't finished.  While using his table saw to make the cuts, he accidently ran his left hand over the blade and sheared off two fingers and sliced his thumb, down the middle, almost in half.  The doctor couldn't save the two fingers and told him he may never have more than fifty per cent use of his thumb, if in fact, any. 

During our conversation, he told me he's making the best that he can of a bad situation.  His spirits were up and he could joke about it now.

Retired, for some years from teaching he said, "Well, if I were still teaching school, I'd have no problem doing fractions in math class."  "Or, at a rock concert, I'd fit right in." he laughed.

Actually we were both laughing by now.  And I said,  "I wanted to call you tonight and get the story, first hand."  (never any pun intended, of course.)

Ron, over the years I have told people many stories of you and us.  I don't think there's a day goes by but something reminds me of you.  And now, I have another story to tell. 

I hope you recover quickly and that you do adjust well. 

Note:  Ron is not only my best friend, but he's also my editor.  Love you buddy.

Montreal

Ever notice the feeling you get when visiting a small town?  The type of service you get, can be second to none.  People seem to be more caring and down to earth.  This type of atmosphere is not often found in bigger cities.  Or is it?

James and his wife were visiting friends in Montreal whom they hadn't seen for a couple of years.

On the third day of their visit, James suggested he'd treat everyone to breakfast.

After it was decided as to where they should eat, they were off.

Upon arriving at the restaurant, the first thing everyone noticed was a sign that read "Cash Only."  Well, who carries cash these days right?  Two blocks down the street at a service station there was a cash machine, they were told.  When they got there, and after three attempts to do a withdrawal, James' card was declined.  For some reason it wouldn't accept his PIN.

Somewhat disappointed by now, they headed back to their vehicle, to try a different place.  But as they past in front of the restaurant, there was a gentleman sweeping the sidewalk in front of the main entrance.  He stopped his sweeping for a second to say hello.  James preceded to tell him about what just happened. 

He said,  "Oh no, you all just go on in, find yourself a seat. I'll be right in to make sure you're taken care of.  Don't worry about the money right now, you can take care of that after you eat." 

Upon his advise, they took him up on his offer and went inside.  Had the heartiest breakfast ever. And were treated like royalty.

Oh, the gentleman sweeping outside... was also the owner of the Restaurant.

So even if you're in Montreal or any other major city for that matter, I'm sure somewhere there, you can always find that small town atmosphere.

Why I Mow My Own Yard

The following is a true story...

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did. 

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?"

Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do." 

The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"

Lee said, "Well the lady in this house let's me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

The Finger

While I cut Jim's hair today, he was telling me of a little incident that he was part of about a week ago.  At nearly 80 years old, he still drives and is quite active.

While driving home from the grocery store, he said a fellow drove up behind him and appeared to be very annoyed at him for no apparent reason.  When the left lane was clear, the driver sped up and passed him.  Seconds later they were both stopped at the red light just ahead.  Jim now in the left lane and the other driver in the right.  Both, at the same time, turned and looked at each other.  At which time, Jim instantly turned up his right hand and gave him the 'little' finger.

I said, "You gave him the little finger?  What happened to the middle finger?"

"Yeah, but I only used the metric system on him." he said.

Gotta love a guy who still has a great sense of humor, even in his eighties.

British Humor

The train was quite crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please Ma'am.  May I sit down?  I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!  This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.  And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

Long Shot

So far it's been an unusual summer around here.  Extreme temperatures, high winds, to much rain and way to many mosquitoes!

But there's another thing that has caused havoc around our place this summer.  Hornets!  Now hornets won't burn your house down, or kill you, but it could happen.  And it almost did for me, about a week ago, in both cases.

I was mowing the lawn, and must have disturbed a nest of them in the ground, when all of a sudden I was being attacked by a swarm, ready to devour me.  I instantly let the lawnmower go, as my hands went flailing above my head, trying desperately to ward of my attackers, running for my life at the same time.  This all happened in less than two seconds.  But in that short time frame, I had been stung five times.  Three hits on my left wrist, one on the tip of a finger and one on the top of my nose.  (And for anyone who 'nose' me, you'd have to agree, any bigger would not be a pretty site.) 

The following day, after nursing my wounds, my wife discovered a hornets nest under a bench in front of  the picture window on our deck.  She thought lighting a votive candle,  and placing it under the bench near the nest might drive them away.  It didn't work.  Actually I think they kinda liked the soothing smell. 

That same evening I decided to run in town and pick up a can of wasp spray, that a friend suggested.  It was called "Long Shot."  Guaranteed to get rid of our pest problem, he said.

I waited 'till about 10pm before carrying out my execution.  I stood back about six feet, bent down, took careful aim and pulled the trigger.  In all my excitement to rid those nasty critters for good, I had neglected to blow out the candle first.  Instantly, I was holding a six foot flame thrower.  The nest caught fire, the deck caught fire, flames were shooting up the side of our ceder home.  I threw my 'torch', ran inside to the kitchen, grabbed the fire extinguisher from underneath the sink, pulled the pin as I ran back to the deck, kicked the bench over (in my bare feet) putting a one inch gash in my right foot, at the same time dousing the fire with the chemicals. 

That whole scene was played out in about ten to fifteen seconds.  It's amazing the adrenaline rush we get when we are faced with such a panic situation.

No damage was done to the deck or the ceder siding.  Only the fumes ignited and was put out before the wood had a chance to actually catch on fire.  

All the hornets died!

Dog Gone

There's a cemetery about about a mile from where we live.  I drive by there many times a week.

About a month ago, on a Sunday morning, I had to swing by our church to check on a call that I had received from our Security company.  It was about 6 am.  Not much traffic and very little activity anywhere for that time of day.  Except when I drove by the cemetery I had noticed someone with a wheelbarrow and shovel walking about.

A little unusual for Bob to be working today, I thought.  (Bob is the caretaker and grave digger of that particular cemetery).

A few days later, Bob was in for a haircut and I had mentioned about seeing him at the cemetery around six o'clock the previous Sunday morning.  "No, it wasn't me," he said. He's never there on Sundays.

Today, which is about five weeks later, he's back for another haircut.  He informed me that he had solved the mystery of the early Sunday morning cemetery prowler, that I had seen.

Apparently, someone decided it'd be a great idea if they came around daylight, and bury their dog, that had died a couple of days prior.  

Unbeknown to me, Bob had done some poking around (literally) and found a small box about five inches below the ground surface, directly behind a plot where someone had recently been buried.  Contacting the family of the deceased person, he did find out who had come in and helped themselves to a doggy plot, directly behind the 'owner of the dog.'

The body of the dog was exhumed, and found a proper burial spot.  No charges were laid.  

Smart Kid

Pete was telling me today that him and his wife were invited to a wedding out of province, about a month ago.  It was about a six hour drive, so they left on Friday to  be sure they had lots of time for the Saturday celebration.

 

While getting ready Saturday morning, his wife thought it might be a good idea if he popped down to the little Barbershop in the hotel lobby, for a light trim, since he neglected to come and see me before he left.

Halfway through the haircut, a little boy, about ten years old was seen looking in through the Barbershop window from the outside.

The Barber then said to Pete, “See that kid staring in the window there?”  “He’s the dumbest kid I’ve ever seen.” 

“Why is that?”  Pete asked.

“Well about every two weeks he comes by here and just stands and stares at me though the window.”  “So, let me show you how dumb he really is.”

The Barber then goes to the cash  register and takes out fifty cents and places it in one hand.  And in the other hand he places a dollar.

He nods to the kid to come inside.  When inside, he asks him which he would prefer to take.  He takes the fifty cents, thanks the Barber and leaves.

“See what I mean?” he than says.

Interesting, thought Pete. 

 

While walking to his car a short time later, Pete ran into the kid and he had to ask… “How come you took the fifty cents and not the dollar?

The kid replied, “Because the day I take the dollar from him, our little game is over.”

And Then It's Winter

You know. . . time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.

But, here it is... the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well, seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting grey...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!  But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth...its over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.
So, if you're not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!
                          
"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.
        
LIVE IT WELL!
ENJOY TODAY!
DO SOMETHING FUN!
BE HAPPY !
HAVE A GREAT DAY

Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.

LIVE HAPPY IN 2013!
LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:
                         
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~ Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect!
~ Going out is good.. Coming home is better!
~ You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
~ You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.
~ The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
~ You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
~ You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~ You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???
~ Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~ You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~ What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~ Everybody whispers.
~ You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.
~ But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
                          
It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.

Purina Nuggets

Len has been retired for about six years.  With nothing but time on his hands, here’s a typical day at the market, for him… well kinda.

Yesterday I was at the local IGA, he told me,  buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?

 So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

IGA won't let me shop there anymore, he said.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.