Next Time Take Me To A Vet!

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
 
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
 
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
 
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. 
 
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
 
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
 The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
 
“Next time take me to a vet!”

Here's Today's Promo

God Will Provide!

A  young woman brought her fiancee home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancee to his  study for a talk.

"So what do you do for a living?" the father asked the young  man.
 

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A Biblical scholar. Hmm........" , the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
 

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
 

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
 

"I will  concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."
 

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
 

"Don't worry Sir, God will provide," replied the fiancee.
 

The conversation proceeded like this and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
 

Later, the mother asked, "How did it go Honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job, no plans and he thinks I'm God!"

 

Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I ain't never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost... it's a man thing.

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The Engineer's Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

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Lawyer Story Of The Year!

THIS COULD BE THE BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY...

We are told it actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ...

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS!

Here's Today's Promo