Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Good Old Harry Truman

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions regarding the nation's history as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri. His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale."

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise."

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale (cf. Illinois).

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!

I say dig him up and clone him!

Enjoy life now -- it has an expiration date!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Something Personal For Your Wife

Gord, if you're reading this... just wanted to say... I'm still laughing.

"Have you ever had to pick up something personal for your wife, while shopping?" he asked me this morning while I cut his hair.

"What exactly do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, a couple of weeks ago, my wife wasn't feeling so good, and she asked me if I could pick her up a package of Tampax while I was at the store.  She said,  'it's the one in the blue package.'

"Walking down one of the aisles, I'm shocked to see what looked to me to be thousands of blue Tampax packages.  Totally dazed, I'm thinking ... 'which one do I pick?'

Grabbing one that had a sale price of $7.95 on it, I headed to the checkout, before someone actually saw me.

As the cashier scanned the three items I had, the Tampax rang up at $15.95.  I quickly said, no, no, no, those are on sale for $7.95.  And before I took my next breath, she was on the intercom receiver, making a store wide announcement... 'Price check please, aisle 13, Tampax, blue package.'  By now I had turned every shade of red possible, while seven other customers standing behind me, patiently waited.

What felt to be about ten minutes later, another voice comes back on the intercom, 'Was that the kind that you push in with your thumb or pound in with a hammer?'  

He thought she had said, ThumTacks."









Monday, December 19, 2011

How Old Is Grandma?

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.


The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools,
the computer age, and just things in general..

The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: 


* Television
* Penicillin  

* Polio shots
* Frozen foods
* Xerox
* Contact lenses
* Frisbees and
* The pill.


 There were no:


* Credit cards
* Laser beams or
* Ball-point pens.

Man had not invented: 


* Pantyhose
* Air conditioners
* Dishwashers
* Clothes dryers
* And the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
* Man hadn't yet walked on the moon


Your Grandfather and I got married first, ......... and then lived together.. 


Every family had a father and a mother. 


Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".


And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir.."


We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. 


Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.


We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. 


Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege... 


We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. 


Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. 


Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started. 


Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums. 


We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. 


We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. 


And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. 


If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.


The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.... 


Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. 


We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. 


Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. 


And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. 


You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, .... But who could afford one? 

Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day: 


"Grass" was mowed.

"Coke" was a cold drink.
"Pot" was something your mother cooked in.
"Rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. 
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office.
"Chip" meant a piece of wood.
"Hardware" was found in a hardware store and
"Software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. 


No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. 


How old do you think I am?


I bet you have this old lady in mind....you are in for a shock! 


Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?


This woman would be only 59 years old.

Pub Next Door

An older married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. 

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
 
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband:  "Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money at that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next door to that shop."

Friday, December 16, 2011

The 'Y' Generation!

People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.
 
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group, Generation Y?
 
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...










 



















Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Government At Work!

The iron fence around the Prime Minister's residence at 24 Sussex Drive was in need of repair and contractors from Alberta, Quebec and Newfoundland were bidding for the job so the three of them went to look at the job to be done along with a government official.

The Alberta contractor took out a measuring tape, did some calculations and announced. "I
figure the job will run about $900. of which $400. is for materials, $400. for my crew and $100. of profit for me"

The Newfie contractor then measured the area, did some figuring and announced, "I can do the job for $700. being $300. for materials, $300. for my crew and $100. profit for me.

The Quebec contractor didn't measure anything and didn't do any calculations, simply leaning over
to the government official and whispering "$2,700."

The government official turned back to him saying, "You didn't even measure or calculate like the other guys, so how do you come up with such a big amount?"

The Quebec contractor whispers back to him, " $1,000. for me. $1,000. for you and we hire the Newfie to do the job"

"Done" replies the government official.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Looking For My Wife

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy,  "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."


The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'


To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

Monday, November 14, 2011

Still Have My Driver's License

Today Ralph said, "I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind.

I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, 
winded, and subject to blackouts. 

Have bouts with dementia. 

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and 
feet anymore
                    
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. 

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license."

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Don't Mess With the Elderly

Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

''Good morning, Ma'am,'' said the young man. ''If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.''

''Go away!'' said Myra brusquely. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money,'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty,'' he commanded. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

Myra stepped back and said with a smile, ''Well let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.''

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Hospital Chart Bloopers

The following are actual writings from Hospital Charts...

1 . The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was

very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 66-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,

until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Mexico Trip

I've heard hundreds of stories of other peoples vacations in Mexico.  Finally, after fifteen years since  our last holiday, we did a seven day all inclusive in Puerta Vallarta.  And it was absolutely awesome!  Below are a few pictures of our trip.

The Riu Jalisco Resort, fifteen minutes north of Puerta Vallarta. Taken from our sixth floor balcany

Walking up from the beach

 The Lobby

 
 At the beach

 My wife Brenda (always looking gorgeous)

 Brenda & Me... dressed for dinner

Scuba Diving, Puerta Vallarta

Our Pirate Ship Cruise

 Memories of a scene from 'Titantic' (couldn't resist)

 Brenda, Mellisa & Rick (friends we met on the ship)

Dinner in the galley

Showtime

 Captain Jack & the drunken pirate?

Cruise ship 'Carnival Splendor' in the background as we sailed out of the harbour.  Dreams of our next vacation...

====================================

Here's Today's Promo



























Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Plan

Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says 'I love New York' in Arabic.

He made this speech in New York. 



The Plan!

Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for the UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' Plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

'I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.'

1) 'The US, UK , CANADA and  AUSTRALIA  will apologize to the world for our 'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good 'ole' boys', we will never 'interfere' again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the   Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days, the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are from. They're illegal!!!   France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign 'students' over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a 'D' , then it's back home baby!

6) The US, UK, CANADA and  AUSTRALIA  will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer  Saudi Arabia  and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up, the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not 'interfere.' They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who NEED it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN  Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us 'Ugly Americans' any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan? 

'The Statue of Liberty  is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?'

                                                           Here's Today's Promo

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

For Sale By Owner

Some years ago, the following ad appeared in a local paper. Saw it online again this week, still makes me laugh...

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Here's Today's Promo

Friday, September 2, 2011

A Stunning Senior Moment!

A self-important college freshman walking along a beach, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen who was setting on the steps, why it was impossible for the older generation to understand the younger generation. 

"You grew up in a different world, almost a primitive one."  the student said loud enough for others to hear.  "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, man walking on the moon, space travel.  We have nuclear energy, and cell phones... computers with light speed, and much more."

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded with the following...

"You are right son.  We didn't have all those things when were young... we invented them!"  "Now you arrogant little sh*t, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The Applause was amazing!

Here's  Today's Promo

Monday, August 29, 2011

Next Time Take Me To A Vet!

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
 
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
 
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
 
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. 

 
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
 
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
 The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
 
“Next time take me to a vet!”


Here's Today's Promo


Friday, August 26, 2011

God Will Provide!

A  young woman brought her fiancee home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancee to his  study for a talk.

"So what do you do for a living?" the father asked the young  man.
 
"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A Biblical scholar. Hmm........" , the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
 
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
 
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
 
"I will  concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."
 
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
 
"Don't worry Sir, God will provide," replied the fiancee.
 
The conversation proceeded like this and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
 
Later, the mother asked, "How did it go Honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job, no plans and he thinks I'm God!"

 

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I ain't never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost... it's a man thing.

Here's  Today's Promo

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Engineer's Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Here's  Today's Promo




Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Lawyer Story Of The Year!

THIS COULD BE THE BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY...

We are told it actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ...

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS!

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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Our Seniors

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several noddedweakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive."

Here's Today's Promo

Friday, July 22, 2011

The Farmer's Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a  well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive..

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW .............
Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Here's Today's Promo

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Don't Pass Up Dessert!

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.  

I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.  From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.  

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed?  Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?  
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched ' Jeopardy ' on television?  

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said , 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't.  I have clothes on the line.  My hair is dirty.  I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain'  And my personal favorite:  'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.  

Because   People   cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches..  We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!  

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained.  We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.  We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older.  The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer.  One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'  

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips.  She keeps an open mind on new ideas.  Her enthusiasm for life is contagious.  You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.  

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years.  I love ice cream.  It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process.  The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker.  If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.  

Now...go on and have a nice day.  Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?   And why are you waiting?  
 

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?  Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night?  Do you run through each day on the fly?  When you ask 'How are you?'  Do you hear the reply?  

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head?  Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see her sorrow?  Ever lost touch?  Let a good friendship die?  Just call to say 'Hi'?  

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower.  Hear the music before the song is over.


Here's Today's Promo 

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Women Think of Everything

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they
hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will  dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked,  'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'
And you know men won't ask for directions...

Here's  Today's Promo


Friday, July 1, 2011

Do Not Underestimate Teachers!

Teaching is ... the profession that makes all other professions possible!

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.

One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.  He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

To stress his point, he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Bonnie.  Be honest.  What do you make?"

Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want to know what I make?
(She paused for a  second, then began...)

"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 minutes without an iPod, Game Cube or movie rental.

You want to know what I make?
(She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table).

I make kids wonder.

I make them question.

I make them apologize and mean it.

I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.

I teach them to write and then I make them write something worthwhile. Keyboarding isn't everything.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math.  They use their brain, not the man-made calculator.

I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know about English while preserving their unique cultural identity.

I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were born with, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life. 
(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)

Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, not knowing that money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention to them because they are ignorant.

You want to  know what I make?  I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. 

What do you make, Mr. CEO?

The CEO's jaw dropped, and he went silent.

Here's Today's Promo

Friday, June 24, 2011

3rd Goat!

Proof that you can't underestimate the creativeness of Canadian boys for mischief.

Considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school, I don't know how we missed doing this.

At a high school in Saskatchewan, a group of students played a prank....they let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Here's Today's Promo

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Catholic Heart Attack

Did you hear about the man who suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.  The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.  The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.


A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!  Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect.  Send the bill to my brother-in-law."


Here's Today's Promo

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

These Glorious Insults


These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

·    A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."   
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

·    "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

·    "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

·    "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow

·    "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

·    "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

·    "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

·    "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

·    "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.

·    "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

·    "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

·    "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

·    "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

·    "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

·    "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

·    "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

·    "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

·    "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

·    "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

·    "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

·    "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

·    "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Here's Today's Promo 

Saturday, June 18, 2011

$5.37!

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Tim Horton's said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Lifesaver. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my food and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my coffee, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Assistance benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.


Here's Today's Promo


Thursday, June 16, 2011

To Kill an American

What an American is, through the eyes of an Australian!
  

To Kill an American

You probably missed this in the rush of news, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper, an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.

So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let everyone know what an American is . So they would know when they found one. (Good one, mate!!!)

An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish , Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan.
An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.


An American is Christian , or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan . The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion.. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence , which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness..

An American is generous.. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.When
Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!


As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan ...The national symbol of America , The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the
Morning of September 11 , 2001 earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.


So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo , and Stalin , and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world... But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself . 

Because...  Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

Here's Today's Promo

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Band Aids!

David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood...

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and b utt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

David said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.'

Here's Today's Promo

Thursday, June 9, 2011

God Said

Man said to God,  "What is a century like to you?"

God replied, "It is like second."

Man said, "What is billion dollars like to you?"

God said, "Like a penny."

Man said, "Can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just wait a second."


Here's Today's Promo

Monday, June 6, 2011

Old Ed

This is a true story. .

It happened every Friday evening, almost without fail, when the sun resembled a giant orange and was starting to dip into the blue ocean. Old Ed came strolling along the beach to his favourite pier. 

Clutched in his bony hand was a bucket of shrimp. Ed walks out to the end of the pier, where it seems he almost has the world to himself. The glow of the sun is a golden bronze now.
 
Everybody's gone, except for a few joggers on the beach.  Standing out on the end of the pier, Ed is alone with his thoughts...and his bucket of shrimp.

Before long, however, he is no longer alone. Up in the sky a thousand white dots come screeching and squawking, winging their way toward that lanky frame standing there on the end of the pier.

Dozens of seagulls have enveloped him, their wings fluttering and flapping wildly. Ed stands there tossing shrimp to the hungry birds.  As he does, if you listen closely, you can hear him say with a smile, 'Thank you.  Thank you.'

In a few short minutes the bucket is empty.  But Ed doesn't leave. He stands there lost in thought, as though transported to another time and place.
  
When he finally turns around and begins to walk back toward the beach, a few of the birds hop along the pier with him until he gets to the stairs, and then they, too, fly away.  And old Ed quietly makes his way down to the end of the beach and on home.

If you were sitting there on the pier with your fishing line in the water, Ed might seem like 'a funny old duck,' as my dad used to say.  Or, 'a guy who's a sandwich shy of a picnic,' as my kids might say. To onlookers, he's just another old codger, lost in his own weird world, feeding the seagulls with a bucket full of shrimp.

To the onlooker, rituals can look either very strange or very empty. They can seem altogether unimportant ....maybe even a lot of nonsense.

Old folks often do strange things, at least in the eyes of Boomers and Busters.

Most of them would probably write Old Ed off, down there in Florida . That's too bad. They'd do well to know him better.

His full name:  Eddie Rickenbacker.  He was a famous hero back in World War II.  On one of his flying missions across the Pacific, he and his seven-member crew went down.  Miraculously, all of the men survived, crawled out of their plane, and climbed into a life raft.

Captain Rickenbacker and his crew floated for days on the rough waters of the Pacific. They fought the sun. They fought sharks.  Most of all, they fought hunger.  By the eighth day their rations ran out. No food..  No water.  They were hundreds of miles from land and no one knew where they were.

They needed a miracle. That afternoon they had a simple devotional service and prayed for a miracle. They tried to nap;  Eddie leaned back and pulled his military cap over his nose. Time dragged.  All he could hear was the slap of the waves against the raft.

Suddenly, Eddie felt something land on the top of his cap.  It was a seagull!

Old Ed would later describe how he sat perfectly still, planning his next move.  With a flash of his hand and a squawk from the gull, he managed to grab it and wring its neck..  He tore the feathers off, and he and his starving crew made a meal - a very slight meal for eight men - of it.  Then they used the intestines for bait..  With it, they caught fish, which gave them food and more bait... and the cycle continued.  With that simple survival technique, they were able to endure the rigors of the sea until they were found and rescued (after 24 days at sea...). 

Eddie Rickenbacker lived many years beyond that ordeal, but he never forgot the sacrifice of that first lifesaving seagull.  And he never stopped saying, 'Thank you.'  That's why almost every Friday night he would walk to the end of the pier with a bucket full of shrimp and a heart full of gratitude.

Reference: (Max Lucado, In The Eye of the Storm, pp..221, 225-226)

PS:  Eddie started Eastern Airlines.

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