Think First!

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant...

The Goldberg A/C

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. 

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

Henry got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now Henry Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And to this day, all Ford air conditioners show: Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

So, now you know...

Men!

Now here's something to think about today...

Men are like Bank Accounts.  Without a lot of Money they don't generate a lot of Interest.

Well, maybe not 100% true.  But close.

Three men's work

An employee approached his boss and asked for a raise.

 ''Well'' began the head man, ''business is bad now, Frank and I just can't afford to give you a raise.''

 ''But I'm doing three men's work and I always have...''

''Three men's work?'' exploded the boss. ''Tell me who the other two are, and I'll fire them!'''

The Salesman

The salesman reported back to his boss after several weeks on the road and said, ''All I got was two orders.''

''What were they?  Anything good?''

''Nope,'' the salesman replied.  ''They were  ''Get out!'' and  ''Stay out!''

Straight A's

"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in an interview with his coach.

"But's how's his scholastic work?"

"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.

"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.

"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."

Words of Marital Wisdom #9

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, ''Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?''

''I don't know her well enough.''  he quickly replied.

Note:  Click Here  for 'Words of Marital Wisdom #8'

Going to Bangkok

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter -- yelling and using foul language.

However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her. When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him."

The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."

Air Canada agent, maybe? :>)

Cash Quote

Here's something to think about today...

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Jump

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night.

One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

'How did you like that jump, buddy?' said a proud John to a deck hand. 'It was great,' said the sailor. 'But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!'

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

"Where'd we get him?" he asked his mom.

His mother, who recognized the wonderful gift of life as
coming from God, replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny replied, "WOW!  I can see why they threw him out!"

Double Your Money!

Here's the quickest way to double your money.  Just go ahead and click  Money .

Crazy, but not Stupid!

Here's another one from Bob, who brought us Nuts!  This story also has a few nuts in it...

He said, Tom was finished work for the day.  He was making his usual commute back home.  Nothing unusual, until all of a sudden he realizes he has a flat tire.  He pulled over to the side of the road, near a fence that surrounded the FSI Asylum.   No big deal he thought. 

He removed the tire,  placing the nuts in the hub cap, from the wheel.  As he went back to the trunk to retrieve the spare, he noticed a man peeking though the fence, watching every move he made.  He acknowledged him with slight nod.  Blinded somewhat by the tire he was carrying, he accidentally stepped on the edge of the hub cap on the ground and sent the nuts flying into the ditch, that was now full of fresh fallen snow.  

Mumbling a few choice words, he thought... 'Now what do I do?'  Knowing he'd never find the nuts in the snow, he said to the man behind the fence, "I guess I'll just have to call a tow truck."  

"I have an idea." said the man.  "Why not take one nut from each of the other wheels,... that should at least get you home." 

"Why didn't I think of that?"  said Tom.

"I might be crazy." said the man, "but I'm not stupid!"

 Ten minutes later, Tom said thanks, and drove away.

Words of Marital Wisdom #8

Howard said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Note:  Click Here  for 'Words of Marital Wisdom #7

Lousy Monday!

An excerpt from a local paper today said this...

Feeling a little lousy this Monday? Welcome to the most depressing day of the year!

According to Cliff Arnall, a psychologist with the University of Cardiff in the United Kingdom, there are many factors that make Monday, Jan. 17 the worst day of 2011.

Variables such as weather, debt, monthly salary, time since the Christmas holidays, time from quitting a bad habit or resolution, low motivational levels and need to take action, all contribute to this horribly pathetic day.

That said, here's a little something that probably won't make a bit of difference to your day...

Tommy went into his doctor's office and said, "Doc, you have got to help me!  Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car.

The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am.  The next night I dreamed I was an Alfa Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche.  What does this mean?"

"Relax," the doctor replied. "You're just having an auto-body experience."

Oooh, I know... I hear the groans.

The Perfect Job

Here's a type of resume/career direction you may want to
avoid...

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I
got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited
for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too
exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little
spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I
wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have
any patience.

Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't
fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I
couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance
company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally
got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no
future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit
because it was always the same old grind.

So, I retired and I found I am perfect for the job!

Just like Dad

I called my parents the other day, as I try to do as often as possible.  Which is never often enough, of course.  But that's me.  For one thing, I hate talking on the phone.  And that's a lame excuse too, I know.

Anyway, they live about four thousand miles away, on the east coast, and we live in the west.   Both are in their eighties today.  They are in good health and still very active. 

Dad was a carpenter all his life.  And a first class carpenter, I might add.  He worked very hard to raise us five kids, with Mom ever at his side.  And she still is.  You never see one without the other. 

Even at eighty-six, he's still building things.  Last year he built two row boats, among other projects.  And he told me the other day, he's gonna build another one this winter.  I gave him a book of 'boat plans' a couple of years ago.  I think it had over fifty boat plans in it.  So that should keep him busy for a while. 

And, during the last telephone conversation, I asked Mom, how Dad was doing these days?  She said, "Well, I think your Dad is startin' to slow down!"  And I said, "Startin' to slow down?  He's eighty-six, for cryin' out loud. Maybe he should start to slow down."

So, if you were to ask me today, what I'd want to be in thirty years.  I would have to say... "Just like Dad." 

Cop's Night Out

I liked Steve.  He was a good guy and a regular client of mine.  He liked to drink a little.  Well, maybe a little to much.  He told me about a rather funny incident that happened to him a few years ago, while I owned and operated a Barber Shop in Northern British Columbia.

It was Saturday night.  He was at the local bar and it was getting late.  The cops often showed up at around closing time, parked nearby to keep an eye on some of the patrons as they exited the premise, as they did this particular night. 

Steve stepped outside and as he did , he tripped and fell.  He knew then, that he should  not have had that last drink.  He managed to pick himself up and stagger across the parking lot towards his car.  But before he reached his car, the two cops, who were watching the whole scene unfold in front of their eyes, were now out of their vehicle and escorting Steve back to the police car, for a safe ride home. 

As they approached Steve's neighbourhood, he directed them into the driveway.  With very little help from Steve, the two officers managed to remove him from the back seat.  They get him up the steps to the front door, only to discover that the door is locked.

"Do you have a key?"  asked one of the officers.

"Nope, sorry, I don't." says Steve, his speech a little slurred.

At this point the two officers are getting a little annoyed.  Taking him back to the station for the night seemed to be the only solution.

Just as they were about to put him back into the car, they noticed a basement window ajar.  Lets see if we can stuff him through the window opening into the basement, where he can sleep it off for the night, they both thought.

It worked.  Steve was pushed through the opening, feet first, and into the basement. 

Thinking that the situation was taken care off for the night, the two cops headed back to their car that was parked in the driveway.  As they were about to drive away, they see Steve frantically waving them back to the house.  Now what!?

As they approached the window, Steve is quietly yelling... "Hey guys... wrong house!!!"

In the end, Steve did spend that night sleeping it off, down at the station.

Don't Feed The Bears!

Lawrence is a great story teller.  While cutting his hair today, he relayed the following story about a friend of his, James, that he worked with some years ago.

James was the adventurous type.  In his younger years, he had hitchhiked across Canada.  It was late in the evening and he was having a little trouble getting a ride out of Rivelstoke, British Columbia.  Finally a log truck hauler stopped and picked him up.  The next stop would be the town of Golden, about a hundred miles away,... so he thought. 

The night was chilly and very dark.  About fifty miles down the highway, the driver informed James that this is as far as he's going.  He had to make a left turn, just up ahead, onto an old logging road to connect with the crew who would be loading his truck early the next morning.  He stopped and let him out, said goodbye and wished James well.

As the lights of the truck disappeared, James looked around in complete darkness only to realize that he was stranded, in the Rockies, and out in the middle of nowhere.  The night was so dark, he couldn't see, even his hand in front of his face. 

He somehow got back on the highway and began to walk. To where, he wasn't sure.  But what he was certain of, at that time was, everything around him seemed to be alive.  He heard sounds he'd never heard before, he smelled things he'd never smelled before. Even the gentle wind in the trees, caused goosebumps to appear on his goosebumps.  He felt he was in a dream and couldn't wake up.

Just ahead, he thought he could make out the form of a road sign.  He got a little closer.  Yes!  It's a sign.  Now he'll know where he is.  Because of the gross darkness, he couldn't read what it said.  So he took a match from his pocket, and struck it.  As he stretched out his arm with the lit match between his fingers, he didn't want to believe what he was reading.  It said... "Don't Feed The Bears!" 

"I'm toast!"  he thought to himself.  And as he did, a light from a car up ahead appeared and was coming in his direction.  He waved the guy down, and caught a ride back to Rivelstoke, where he had started three hours ago.  He really didn't care, at that moment, that he was going in the wrong direction.  At least he was safe from all those visions of night crawlers of the Rockies, that by now, were hitched in his memory for a long time to come.

Words of Marital Wisdom #7

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, Sweetheart,"
said the newlywed bride, "Breakfast will be ready."

"Good! What are we having for breakfast?" asked the new
husband.

"Toast and juice," she replied.

Note:  Click Here  for 'Words of Marital Wisdom #6

Why Althletes Can't Have Regular Jobs

Is someone out there, just makin' this stuff up?  Or is this for real?  Whatever... it's pretty funny.  Keep reading...

1. Chicago Cubs  outfielder Andre  Dawson on being a role  model:
"I  wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to  me. I wan' all the kids to copulate  me."

 2.  New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked  about the upcoming  season:
"I  want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever  comes first."

3.  And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's  say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win  the Super  Bowl." 

Matt Millen of  the Raiders said: "To win,  I'd run over Joe's Mom,  too."

4.  Torrin Polk, University  of Houston receiver, on  his coach, John  Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear  earrings.."

 5.  Football commentator and former  player Joe  Theismann:
 "Nobody in football should be called a  genius. A genius is a guy like Norman  Einstein."

 6.  Senior basketball  player at  the University of  Pittsburgh :
 "I'm going to graduate on time, no  matter how long it takes."
 (Now that is  beautiful)

 7. Bill  Peterson, a Florida State football  coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by  height.."
 And, "You guys pair up in groups of  three, and then line up in a  circle."

 8.  Boxing promoter Dan Duva  on Mike  Tyson going to  prison:
 "Why would anyone expect him to come out  smarter? He went to prison for three years,  not Princeton ."

9. Stu  Grimson, Chicago  Blackhawks left wing,  explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself  above his locker:  "That's so when I forget how to spell my  name, I can still find my  clothes."

10.  Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan  training regimen of heavyweight Andrew  Golota:  "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock  in the morning, regardless of what time it  is."

11. Chuck  Nevitt , North Carolina  State basketball player, explaining  to Coach Jim  Valvano why he appeared  nervous at practice:  "My sister's expecting a baby, and I  don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an  aunt."  (I  wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in  January)

12. Frank  Layden , Utah Jazz  president, on a former  player:  "I asked him,  'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or  apathy?'  He  said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't  care.'

13. Shelby  Metcalf, basketball coach  at Texas A&M,  recounting what he told a player who received  four F's and one D:  "Son, looks to me like you're spending  too much time on one  subject."

14.  In the words of NC State great Charles  Shackelford:  “I can go to my  left or right, I am  amphibious.”

15.  Amarillo High School and Oiler  coach Bum  Phillips when asked  by Bob  Costas why he takes his  wife on all the road  trips,  Phillips  responded:  "Because she  is too ugly to kiss  good-bye."

The Mental Patient

There was this guy in a mental hospital. All day long he had his ear to the wall, listening. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day.

The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

He turned to the mental patient and said, ''I don't hear anything.'' The mental patient said, ''Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months.''

Mr. Smith

Mr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor placed him on a strict diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds," his doctor promised.

 

When Mr. Smith returned he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 20 pounds.

 

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

 

Mr. Smith nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

 

"Why, from hunger?" asked the doctor.

 

"No, from skipping."

Creative Defense

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense.

 ''My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.''

''Well put,'' the judge replied. ''Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.''

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Words of Marital Wisdom #6

A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one.

After a while, the husband said, "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."

His bride replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

Note: Click Here for 'Words of Marital Wisdom #5'

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

Saw this the other day, couldn't resist posting it here...

50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down

32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17..9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C)
Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

Lucky Saucer

Have you heard the story about the famous art collector? He was strolling around downtown when he noticed a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.

Many might ignore the scene, but something caused him to look a second time. Almost instantly he recognized the saucer as an extremely old and very valuable piece of pottery, and so he decided to purchase the saucer.

Casually he walked into the store and up to the storeowner, where he offered to buy the cat for two dollars.

"I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale," the storeowner replied.

"Please, I need a cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat," the collector said.

The owner looked thoughtful for a moment, and then said "Sold."

After the famous art collector had received the cat from the owner, the collector said,
"Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The storeowner replied, "I'm sorry sir, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold thirty-five cats."

I Forgot Her Name

An elderly gentleman was invited to his a friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his friend preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms: "Honey," "My love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the visiting gentleman leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still love your wife and call her those sweet names."

 

The host hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said sadly. "I only call her those names because I forgot her real name about 10 years ago!"

Children and The Bible

The following were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, poor spelling and all!

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
 
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. (*admit* lol)

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
 
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
 
Soloman, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
 
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
 
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
 
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
 
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
 
Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Mind over Bladder

I'd been barbering for many years.  On one particular visit by one of my regular clients, I was telling him how, back in the early days I'd go non stop for eight or ten hours without a break. 

He said, "Not even a washroom break?" 

I said, "Nope, not even a washroom break."

To which he replied, "So, it was kinda like 'mind over bladder' than." 

All in a days work, I thought.  And no, I don't do it that way anymore.

Paradox Of Our Time

It's New Year's Day, 2011.  Time is slipping by us way to fast.  I can't believe another year has begun.  A lot of people are into New Years Resolutions again.  Not me.  It's just, in one year and out the other.  So I thought to start the New Year off here, the following article, which came by my desk some time ago, would be very appropriate.  Alot to think about...

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER...

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin