Bruce Sm’allmighty

Bruce is a man of many talents.  For over fifteen years now, I’ve been cutting his hair.

Retired from the Forest Industry for more than twenty years,  he has many stories to tell.

The one I’ll share here happened in the 1980’s.

Bruce and a couple of his colleagues were sent to Newfoundland by his company, to negotiate a deal for the purchase of the Bowater’s Pulp and Paper mill in Corner Brook.

It was January.  And he arrived in the city in one of the worst blizzards of that winter. 

While driving to the hotel, where he was to meet with his associates, he said the snow was up over the tops of most of the road signs. And when you could see them, the lettering was so small, you could barely read them.  That made navigation around the city, somewhat challenging for a newcomer.

His first statement that morning in the boardroom was, “How come your road signs are so small around here?”  “I almost didn’t make it to the hotel.”

He knew he’d better shut up and pay attention when one of the Newfoundland Reps quickly spoke up and said, “Around des parts, we knows where we’re goin’ my son.”

Bruce and his company lost their bid, but only by fifteen million dollars!

Newfie Police Understanding

For everyone who knows who Mavis is, will admit, she is a beautiful lady, who would go out of her way to avoid confrontation.

A policeman stops Mavis just outside her home in St. John's Newfoundland, and asks to see her driving licence.   He says rather assertively 'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.'

Mavis promptly answers sweetly, 'Well, I have contacts.'

The policeman replies gruffly, 'I don't care who you knows, my dear. You're still gettin' a ticket.'

Old Cemeteries

Browsing old cemeteries, one can find some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Below are just a few...

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :

Born 1903--Died 1942. Looked up the elevator 

shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. 

In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery: 

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place 

to go.  

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico cemetery: 

Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon him for not 

rising.  

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery: 

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake, 

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. 

In a cemetery in England : 

Remember man, as you walk by, 

As you are now, 

So once was I. 

As I am now, so shall you be, 

Remember 

this and follow me. 

To which someone replied by writing 

on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent, Until 

I know which way you went

.

Oilers

It was a few years ago now.  The Oilers were in the playoffs.  And I was cutting hair in Edmonton.

It was a Friday evening about 5pm.  A gentleman popped in for a haircut before going to the game that night.  I was getting ready to leave for the day and Lou (the shop owner at the time) motioned him to have a seat in his chair.  As he was seated, he asked if he could have the word “Oilers” printed in the back of his head. 

“No problem,” said Lou.

With that, I thought I’d hang around for a few more minutes, to see how this thing turned out.

From a distance, and standing somewhat to Lou's right, I observed him doing an excellent job.  About twenty minutes later the word was completed and perfectly spaced between the man’s ears at the back of his head.

Pleased with the finished product, Lou removed the cape, checked him in at the cash register, thanked him and said goodbye.

As the man turned his back to us and proceeded to leave the shop, I saw it first.  I immediately said, “Lou, is that the new way to spell “Oilers?”  He had spelled it “Oiles.”  He had forgotten the ‘r.’  Except for that, it was a masterpiece.

Lou then ran out the door to catch him, before he drove away.  But it was to late. 

We’re still not sure if he went to the game that night or not.  If he had, I’m sure for the people setting behind him in the stands, he, would have definitely been the topic of conversation.

I’m not sure if he ever returned for another haircut after that.

It's Started!

Bob was telling me the other day that he got home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a drink before it starts."

His wife sighs and gets him a drink.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another drink before it starts."

Say she looks a bit cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another drink. It's going to start any minute!"

His wife is furious!  She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy fat slob, and furthermore..."

Bob sighs and says, "It's started."

Word Definitions

Isn't it interesting how the male and female see things from different perspectives.  Below are just a few examples...

VULNERABLE
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

FLATULENCE
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

A Year Younger

Harvey's dad was born at 11:55 pm on December 31, 1923.  Now, there really doesn't appear to be anything special about that particular time, or date of birth, right?  Well, that's what I thought too...

While cutting his hair a couple of days ago, Harvey was telling me that he remembers his dad always had an interesting little thing to say to people about his birthdate.

He would say,  "If my mother could have waited another five minutes, for me to be born, I would have been a year younger!"

When you stop and think about that statement for a second, it does actually make a whole lot of sense... and laughable at the same time!

Senior Driver

My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You seem quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.  "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw it in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

Snow Job

Here's one from the warped mind of one of my clients today...

He said he just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Alberta.  And winters in Canada, as most of us know can get very nasty.  He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping past -30 c and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Five Dollar Bill

When I was just a kid, about ten years old, I found a five dollar bill on the side of the road, near our home.  I came running in the house, very excited about my find.

"Are you sure it was lost?” asked my mother.

“Yes, I’m sure,” I quickly said.  “I saw a man looking for it.”